I Will Carry You

Tomorrow I will be 20 weeks pregnant.

This thought hit me as I was leaving work today. I thought about how many women I have seen post cute pictures of their 20 week baby bumps on FaceBook and comment on how thrilled they are that they are halfway there. I thought about how if I deliver at 32-34 weeks, this means I have about 3 months left with Mira. I thought about how I don’t ever want to say goodbye to my daughter, and how I certainly don’t want to say goodbye in 3 months. I thought about other pregnant women complain that their rings are getting tight and they are gaining too much weight. I thought about how my wedding ring keeps falling off because, though my stomach is growing, I’m not gaining any weight and actually losing it from other places on my body because I am too sick and stressed to gain any like I am supposed to. I thought about my friends who are “nesting” and planning showers as I am planning a funeral. I felt angry. And jealous. And bitter. And sad. But, I am doing this for Mira, so I also felt love. Because I would do anything for her.

“Even in madness, I know you still believe… 

I dare you to tell me to walk through fire.” 

(Shinedown)

I know some people have wondered why Joe and I chose to carry Mira for as long as I can and to deliver her. Some people have even asked. I have a question for you. If you were told your child had three months to live, would you chose to end their life now so you could start to move on? So you wouldn’t have to care for them for that extra three months? No, of course you wouldn’t. Why should I? Mira heart beats strong, she moves and shows us pieces of who she is. She is alive. She is a person. She is a child. She deserves to live every day that God grants her. She deserves to to die with dignity and respect when that time comes, not through a medical procedure designed to end her life. No, I will continue my pregnancy, I will deliver my daughter and hold her in my arms and show her love and comfort as she passes. It will break my heart. It will break Joe’s heart. We will do this so we can meet our daughter and give her the honor and grace she deserves.

“There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen me”

To carry you

(Selah)

I am so sad that I cannot spend a lifetime with my daughter; I am sad for me and I am sad for Joe. I am not sad for Mira. She will be in a wonderful world where she will know only love and comfort. She will know that her parents love her more than anything. She will never know fear or pain. She will never have a broken heart. I feel sure that anything she will miss by not living long on Earth will be greatly replaced by all she gets to see and experience in Heaven. God will show her the things I wanted to show her. And I will never stop loving her.

And a man took my hand said don't worry, 

Your momma's gonna be alright.

Then He opened the gate and I followed Him in...

And His love is the one true emotion

Heaven knows no fear, no pain

I never got to set my wheels in motion

They loved me just the same

(George Canyon)

Over the next three months I will keep talking to Mira. I will keep reading to her. I will teach her about her Mommy and Daddy. I will make sure she knows what a wonderful man her Daddy is. I will learn more about what she likes and does not like. And I invite anyone who knows me to do the same. Don’t pretend that she isn’t there when you see me, she is. Say hi to her, tell her about yourself. She can hear you. Science says so. And I know so, because I can feel her react. She is every bit alive as you and me.