Saturday, February 2, 2019

Forever Changed


One year, one month, and sixteen days. 

That is how long it has been since I first and last felt my daughter grab my finger.  So very long. So very very long without her.  Medically, Mira was so very imperfect.  She had abnormalities in her kidneys, stomach, umbilical cord, heart, brain, lungs and more.  She had no ears.  Her eyes were not symmetrical.  But oh, my, was my little girl perfect anyway.  She managed to react to sound without her ears.  She had the softest skin I have ever felt.  Her grip on my finger felt so strong even though they said she was so weak.  Her cheeks were round and chubby.  Her clubbed feet were so adorable and tiny.  She filled those around her with so much love.

One year, one month, and sixteen days.

That is how long I have missed my girl.  That is how long I have spent learning how to breathe without my perfectly loved baby.  It’s a long to time to miss her, but it turns out not long enough to learn to get by without her.  I read all the infant loss books (I mean ALL of them), I know they say it take much longer than a year to be able to say you are healing.  But, it sometimes feels so damn overwhelming that over a year later, the pain still knocks me all the way down some nights.