Let Me Be Lighter, I'm Tired of Being a Fighter

Angie Smith says in her book, I Will Carry You (2010), "The truth is that to some degree, every day I have here is another day without her.  I don't know when I will be able to see life any differently."

I have been thinking about this quote a lot over the past 48 hours or so. After getting through Mira's 2nd Birthday, my soul sore and tired, but still okay, Christmas took my breath away.  I guess maybe the typical holiday stress combined with being surrounded by groups of people that Mira was so glaringly missing from, and the pain of trying to be okay in front of others, and then failing miserably lead to my downfall.

I haven't caught my breath since about noon on Christmas and I am not quite sure what to do about it except ride it out and keep trying to go about my days until I get my head above water again. I have been hating feeling this way after getting to an 'okay' place recently. It is completely overwhelming and painful in a way I am at a loss to describe.

Could you beam me up,

Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it

Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face

Beam me up,

Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter, I think,

A minute's enough,

Just beam me up.

(Beam Me Up, P!nk)

So, I went back to this quote just to read Angie's words and feel a little less alone and a little less crazy to be in so much pain 2 years after my loss (as Angie said this further down the loss road). 

Almost Two Years

Mira’s 2^nd Birthday is just two short days away.  It is so surreal to be here.  I have used the word surreal before in relation to this infant loss journey and I just don’t think there is a better word for it. 

I can still feel on my fingertips how amazingly soft Mira’s cheeks were.  I mean, I didn’t know skin could BE that soft.  I can still feel her weight in my arms, and it feels so real if I let myself really think about it.  I can feel that pain and tightness in my chest that I felt when the doctor said she was gone and I broke down, wailing and proclaiming that I needed more time with her, if allow myself to go there.  It feels like it all just happened.  

But also, it feels like another lifetime.  It feels like an alternate reality that I got to feel a life grow inside me and then hold my own child in my arms.  It feels like the happiness of finding out I was pregnant could have been an overly realistic dream.  It feels like so very long ago that I was wheeled out of a maternity ward clutching only a stuffed animal, feeling so numb I’m not sure I knew what was happening. 

So, it is surreal for it two be close to two years ago.