Friday, December 15, 2017

The Days You Pray More Than You Breathe

This past week has been full of "lasts." 

This past Friday, I had my last client session to introduce the family to the new clinician.   For the last four months on the days when I struggled just to get out of bed in the morning and wondered what the point of anything was, I repeated the names of those children I work with in my head and Mira's name.  They are the point.  They are the reason to get up.  I said good-bye to all of them now, as they will have new clinicians to work with them.  They are in very good hands. 

Thursday was my last day at work (until I return in February).  I left feeling the love and support of everyone I work with.  I also left knowing when I returned I wouldn't be the same, part of me would be missing.  But I saw love in the eyes of those I work with as they said good-bye to Mira, and read their love in letters they wrote for myself and my little girl.  I know that will never change. 

Today was my last prenatal appointment.  It included my 20th ultrasound and 20th look at Mira.  I've had pretty much the same feelings during each one.  As soon as I lay down I am filled with dread that they won't find a heartbeat, that I will have lost my chance to meet her.  I stare at the screen until I see her heart beating and sigh with relief.  The tech always tells me "there is her heart!"  But I learned many scans ago how to find it myself.  Then, no matter how anxious I was seconds earlier, I can't help but smile and even laugh a little as I look at my daughter with love.  I watch each measurement that is typed in and ask my questions about any changes I see.  Then I tell Mira how proud I am that she is growing so well.  Today was the last time I will go through that routine. 

There are more "lasts" coming as well and good-byes that I don't want to say.  And I know others don't want to say.  It is impossible to not think about all the lasts we are having before Mira is even born.  But there are a lot of firsts on the way.  I've said to Joe that I am so scared and not ready for the end.  He reminds me that this is not just the end, but a beginning too.  He is so right.  The beginning of our time with Mira in our arms is almost here.

I can't wait for the first time I hold my daughter and the first time I see my husband hold her.  I can't wait for the first time I see what her little body looks like.  She will have her first bath, and I pray she is still here with us when she has it.  There will be a first time that her grandparents see her.  Maybe even a first time we hear her make a noise. 

Unfortunately, most of Mira's "firsts" will also be her "lasts".  But we have a choice.  We can look at how beautiful it was to have met her and spent these 8 months with her, or we can look at her life as a short tragedy.  When I think about the glimpses of her personality I have seen and felt, the people who have told me that her life impacted them, and the many, many people who love her, I think the choice is clear.  Mira's existence and life (no matter how long) is a miracle.  I vow to do my best to remember that, and not be bitter about miracles I wanted but didn't see.  I promise to think of everything wonderful about her life.  I also promise you it will not be easy and won't be able to every day, but out of love for my daughter and her creator I will do my best.  And I know they will understand when I can't. 

There'll be days your heart don't wanna beat
You'll pray more than you breathe
And you just wanna fall to pieces
And nights, two AM calls
Where dreams become walls
And you just need a break...
There'll be times when someone you know
Becomes someone you knew
But you'd do anything to change it...
When the pages just won't turn
And it still hurts
Break on me
Shatter like glass
Come apart in my hands
Take as long as it takes
(Keith Urban)

With all that said, it is not time for goodbyes yet.  I will tell her those when it is time.  For now, I can't wait to hold my daughter, who fought so hard for life.  I know every pain and heartbreak I've felt will all be worth it when she is born, no matter what happens next.  

Joe and I ask for prayers on the day Mira will be born.  My c-section is scheduled for 9:00am on Monday, December 18th.  Please pray for more time with her than we are expecting and for God's peace to fill everyone present.  God can make this a peaceful beautiful day, and that is what we want the most.  

"Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."  -Philippians 4:5-9 

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