I have been carrying my pain fairly well for the past few
months. That does not really mean it
hurts any less that my daughter died, but it does mean I that I know I can survive
it and have been able to continue living life while carrying her. It means that there are really hard days,
especially around certain dates, but they don’t have to be hard months, they
can just be hard days. It means I can cry
and miss her and be angry she is gone, but also be grateful to be Mira’s mom
and find joy in my life. It means I can feel full of hurt and pain some days,
but know it won’t kill me, and better days will come. I had been doing fairly
well.
Then August 2 happened. About a week and a half ago, I had foot
surgery. I have been being treated for pain in my foot being
caused by an extra bone that shouldn’t be there since the beginning of February,
and with no other treatment options, I agreed to surgery. The surgery itself went well, no
complications and I am healing as expected.
The pain was terrible in the beginning but started improving after only
a few days. My mental health on the
other has taken a hard hit. This is not
something that people often talk about, but problems with depression or anxiety
after surgery, especially when general anesthesia and opioids are used are, not
uncommon. Add in a diagnosis of PTSD and
history of anxiety, and I was certainly high risk for postoperative
depression.
I have been wanting to take the time to write about this, because
I know writing helps me. But also,
because I hope to spread some more awareness with this post. I am always looking to spread awareness of
infant loss and the grieving process with my posts, but with this one, I also
ask you to think about how triggering situations affect anyone with PTSD, no
matter what trauma lead to the diagnosis.
And I ask you to be aware of the level of anxiety and depression that
can occur after receiving anesthesia and/or certain pain medications. These are things we just don’t speak about
enough.
