My third Easter without you arrived this morning. It was a different kind of Easter than I ever experienced. I have never spent even one Easter anywhere but Dimock with your Grandparents. This year, everyone must stay home to help keep the world safe from the virus, so your father and I prepared for an Easter here in our own home for the first time. We still wanted some of the usual tradition and a little celebration for the holiday, so we planned a meal with some of our favorites from the usual big family meal and I planned an Easter Egg hunt for just Daddy and me. It was different, but it worked, and we know we will have a big family celebration when the quarantine is over.
With all the changes, and not quite feeling like a usual holiday I stayed pretty well put together this morning. I thought of you, of course, I always do, every day (and that is not an exaggeration). I had fun hiding Easter Eggs for Daddy and looking for the ones he hid for me. We had a contest to see who could find theirs first. Mommy won by 9 seconds! It was a welcome, fun,and silly distraction. Of course, I wished I was hiding them for you too. I got dressed a little nicer than usual, it just seemed respectful to honor God today with a nice dress still. That ache of wishing I was picking out a cute little dress for you too was there.
As I started making dinner, I put on some music. I was really missing you now. I wish you are here all the time, but sometimes missing you gets too big. When you were still alive and we went to CHOP for ultrasounds to see you every week, Daddy and I met with an amazing psychologist who helped us get ready to meet you and say goodbye to you all at once. On our last visit with her before your birthday, I told her how scared I was for you to leave us. She told me the grief that was coming was like being in an ocean. This is a common metaphor, but she explained it so well.
She said the grief was like the ocean because you are always in it, and it is always there. Our grief will always be there. But it changes because there are waves too. She told us in the beginning, the first weeks, or months, we would not believe her. We would think she was a liar, because the waves would be so constant there would be no air between them. We would be sure we would not survive and would drown. She was so right, Mira. Even though she warned us, I still told Daddy she must have been lying about the waves, because this drowning feeling would never change. But, she said after time, we would start to breathe again, between the waves. The waves would come often and be over our heads, but there would be glimpse of sky and air to breathe in between. She was right, that part came in time. She told us as years passed, we would learn to predict the waves sometimes, but some would surprise us. We would learn how to swim through them and learn to feel confident we could survive each one. There would be more calm in between the waves as time went on. We would always be in the ocean, but we would learn to swim well.
It really did turn out that she was right about all of it. I can predict many of the waves. I knew there would be a big wave at your birthday and another one at Christmas this past year. I was wrong about how bad the wave would be. I started to question again if I could survive, but I did. I knew there would be a wave today. This morning I thought maybe it would end up being small and manageable, because Easter was different this year, and I was loving you and missing you in a bumpy ocean of grief, but one I could swim in. Then I put some music on. And like I said, I really started to miss you and I stopped and let my feelings out as I cooked. It turns out the wave wasn’t smaller than I expected, I was just avoiding it. Once I stopped trying to out swim it, it crashed into me. I felt the full force of your absence from our home, from the Easter Egg hunt, from our upcoming dinner, from the Easter outfits, all of it. I felt it so strong.
The song, “I Don’t Dance” by Lee Brice came on and I remembered dancing with you in my belly to the song and signing the words two and half year ago as I cooked a regular dinner. My heart filled with an ache only a Mom who buried her child knows. I danced to those words again today. As you know, Momma cannot dance. She does not like to either. But I did for you when I was pregnant, because you seemed to like it as you grew in my belly. So, I started dancing to those words now, just like I did back then, “I don't dance, but here I am, spinning you around and around in circles, It ain't my style, but I don't care, I'd do anything with you anywhere. Yes, you got me in the palm of your hand, girl, ‘cause, I don't dance.” I could feel the whole wave then. I forgot how to breathe for a minute.
I’ve been in that wave ever since, sweetie. It is a over five hours later now, and I know I can breathe, but the wave is still carrying me. It is so hard to be without you.
Momma has always loved Easter. When I was little, I liked that it was close to my birthday, so I got to see family that told me “Happy Birthday” even if it was already past or not quite the right day yet. I liked hunting for and finding the gifts the Easter Bunny brought. I always liked games and figuring things out. Easter had perfect traditions for me. Also, my parents, your Grandma and Grampa host Easter, so I got to stay home and not go somewhere else for that day. Momma has always been pretty anxious, especially in crowds, so I liked that too. I could sneak away to my room or go play in the woods if I needed a break. It was a perfect day.
I still like Easter for a lot of the same reasons. I also loved and appreciated as I got older that both my Mom and my Dad’s side of the family came together for the day. So many people I love all in one place! Easter just got better as I got older.
That is part of why Easter is so tough now. You aren’t here with me and I wanted to share all this love and ‘magic’ with you. And I wanted to teach you about why we celebrate Easter. I wanted to teach you about God and let you learn to love Him the way Daddy and I do. I wanted to teach you the stories of the Bible and what Jesus did for us all. Instead, you ran ahead of me and learned it all for yourself and know more now than I do about Heaven and Jesus.
Easter is still special to me. For all the reasons I already said, but now for a new reason too. Well, not new, I just understand the depth of the reason better now. On Easter, we celebrate Jesus’ resurrection. It is because of this that I KNOW I will see you again. Of course, Momma has been thankful for Jesus and salvation and sure she will go to Heaven since she accepted Jesus as a little girl. But now, with you waiting for me in Heaven, I have a much deeper understanding about what a gift salvation is. This is a day to thank Jesus, a day to celebrate Him, a day to appreciate our salvation, and a day to remember that I am sure to see you again one day.
It is certainly something I am thankful for beyond words. And it is still hard that you aren’t here so I can celebrate in a different way with you.
Momma will keep swimming tomorrow. Today I can only ride the wave and do my best to keep my head above the water. I know I can’t leave the ocean until I am in Heaven with you, but I will keep learning to swim better and better each day.
I love you, Mira. Thank you for making me a Mommy. Thank you for loving me. I feel the love you send. I see the signs you ask God to give me. I will always include you in everything I do here on Earth until I can be with you in Heaven again. I know you see me finding ways to show you my love and mother you here from Earth, the best I can. You are “my angel, my darling, my star, and my love will find you, wherever you are.”
Love Always,
Momma
Momma has always loved Easter. When I was little, I liked that it was close to my birthday, so I got to see family that told me “Happy Birthday” even if it was already past or not quite the right day yet. I liked hunting for and finding the gifts the Easter Bunny brought. I always liked games and figuring things out. Easter had perfect traditions for me. Also, my parents, your Grandma and Grampa host Easter, so I got to stay home and not go somewhere else for that day. Momma has always been pretty anxious, especially in crowds, so I liked that too. I could sneak away to my room or go play in the woods if I needed a break. It was a perfect day.
I still like Easter for a lot of the same reasons. I also loved and appreciated as I got older that both my Mom and my Dad’s side of the family came together for the day. So many people I love all in one place! Easter just got better as I got older.
That is part of why Easter is so tough now. You aren’t here with me and I wanted to share all this love and ‘magic’ with you. And I wanted to teach you about why we celebrate Easter. I wanted to teach you about God and let you learn to love Him the way Daddy and I do. I wanted to teach you the stories of the Bible and what Jesus did for us all. Instead, you ran ahead of me and learned it all for yourself and know more now than I do about Heaven and Jesus.
Easter is still special to me. For all the reasons I already said, but now for a new reason too. Well, not new, I just understand the depth of the reason better now. On Easter, we celebrate Jesus’ resurrection. It is because of this that I KNOW I will see you again. Of course, Momma has been thankful for Jesus and salvation and sure she will go to Heaven since she accepted Jesus as a little girl. But now, with you waiting for me in Heaven, I have a much deeper understanding about what a gift salvation is. This is a day to thank Jesus, a day to celebrate Him, a day to appreciate our salvation, and a day to remember that I am sure to see you again one day.
It is certainly something I am thankful for beyond words. And it is still hard that you aren’t here so I can celebrate in a different way with you.
Momma will keep swimming tomorrow. Today I can only ride the wave and do my best to keep my head above the water. I know I can’t leave the ocean until I am in Heaven with you, but I will keep learning to swim better and better each day.
I love you, Mira. Thank you for making me a Mommy. Thank you for loving me. I feel the love you send. I see the signs you ask God to give me. I will always include you in everything I do here on Earth until I can be with you in Heaven again. I know you see me finding ways to show you my love and mother you here from Earth, the best I can. You are “my angel, my darling, my star, and my love will find you, wherever you are.”
Love Always,
Momma
