I Will Protect You From All Around You

I have been thinking a lot over the past week about the good things that I have experienced over the last seven months and the painful things.  I can try each day to look at the good of the time I have with Mira, but I also want to acknowledge the heartbreak, disappointment, and pain we have faced.  There is no truth in our story if both sides are not acknowledged.  We have had so many, many people be so supportive, and that is what we choose to focus on day to day.  However, we have also been on the receiving end of hurtful comments, been avoided by others, and let down.  We have felt honored and blessed to be Mira's parents, and felt joy to know her.  We also have screamed at God for not healing her, cried hysterically, and felt more broken than we knew possible.  I want to take some time to acknowledge my favorite moments and hardest moments over the past seven months, as well as the helpful and hurtful things we have heard from others.

Top Ten Moments:

1.  Telling Joe I was pregnant (I've never seen such joy before).
2.  Hearing the words "I can tell you there is heartbeat" after being told I had a miscarriage.
3.  Feeling Mira move when Joe talks to her
4.  Snuggling with Albus' (our dog's) head on my belly, and seeing his reaction when I played Mira's heartbeat for him (ran right to my belly in excitement!)
5.  Finding out we were having a girl
6.  Taking Mira to an orchestra concert and feeling her dancing the whole time
7.  Receiving so much love and support at work, through kind acts, gifts, and supportive gestures
8.  Feeling love and support from friends and family
9.  Seeing Mira smile on a 3D ultrasound
10.  Talking to Mira throughout each day

Worst Ten Moments:

1.  Crying as I walked to my car alone to call Joe and tell him something was wrong after my 12 week ultrasound
2.  Seeing "severe hydrocephalus" written on a paper by a doctor while he didn't even look at me
3.  Having all hope of treatment taken away when the team at CHOP confirmed that Mira was too ill for any treatment or quality of life
4.  The days I don't feel Mira move all day and worry I have lost her early
5.  When I was told (incorrectly) that my c-section would be moved up
6.  The times when the physical pain is at its worst and I get so angry that I can't just completely enjoy this time with Mira
7.  Deleting the baby registry we had started
8.  Explaining to my sweet brother that Mira would not be coming home
9.  Waking up from dreams about raising Mira and having remember over and over what the reality is
10.  Planning my daughter's funeral/memorial service

Top Ten Favorite Things to Hear:

1.  Her heartbeat is strong!
2.  You are a mother.
3.  Hi Mira!
4.  I don't know what to say, but I am here.
5.  I love you.  I love Mira.
6.  When anyone uses the phrase "your daughter."
7.  You don't have to do that or You are doing enough
8.  Tell me about Mira.
9.  This sucks/is horrible/makes no sense, any validation of our pain.
10.  Anyone who tells me about their children that they lost and never felt they could talk about before, but now feel they can after reading about my journey.  Anyone who has lost a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death should be free to talk about their children and not have to worry about making others uncomfortable.

Ten Least Favorite Things to Hear:

1.  Why are you waiting so long to have your C-section?  Don't you want to just do it now and get it over with?
2.  Everything happens for a reason.
3.  God never gives you more than you can handle.
4.  I know how you feel.
5.  Are you feeling better today?
6.  When you feel better, maybe in February (or Summer, or next year, etc)...
7.  When are you going to try again? or When you do have children... (I do have a child, thank you.)
8.  Tell me if you need anything.  (While this is kind, it is hard to know what we need and even harder to ask for it when we are so vulnerable, I tend to feel overwhelmed and stressed when people pressure us to come up with something we need.)
9.  Assumptions about how we feel (I know today is hard for you because.... or I am sure the reason you are having a bad day is because....)
10.  Silence.  Either not acknowledging Mira's presence, or hiding from Joe and I during this time.  I know it's hard to know what to say or do, but that is okay, "I don't know what to say, but I love you and Mira" is perfect by itself. 

Today I am 32 weeks pregnant.  I imagine that two and a half weeks from now I will tell you that the very best moment of, not just my pregnancy, but of my life was meeting and holding my daughter.  I imagine I will tell you that the very worst moment of my life was watching my daughter die and leaving the hospital without her.  Some people seem to have an understanding about how hard this is and why Joe and I chose to carry out daughter to term.  Some people do not get it at all.  This used to bother me a lot, I felt intense anger that someone would not value my daughter's life.  I have learned to dismiss those people though.  I love my daughter.  She has a wonderful father and grandparents.  I have wonderful friends.  She will know nothing but love.

Come stop your crying, it will be alright

Just take my hand and hold it tight

I will protect you from all around you

I will be here, don't you cry

For one so small, you seem so strong

My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm

This bond between us can't be broken

I will be here, don't you cry

Why can't they understand the way we feel

They just don't trust what they can't explain

I know we're different, but deep inside us

We're not that different at all

Don't listen to them

'Cause what do they know

We need each other, to have, to hold

They'll see in time, I know

When destiny calls you, you must be strong

I may not be with you

But you got to hold on

They'll see in time, I know

We'll show them together

'Cause you'll be in my heart

Believe me you'll be in my heart

I'll be there from this day on

Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart

No matter what they say

You'll be here in my heart

Always I'll be with you

I'll be there for you always

Always and always

(Phil Collins)