The Stories of Who We Are

Less than a year ago you would find me posting something on FaceBook about once a month, if that.  I never disliked it, but I need had much use for it.  I would go on every other day or so and scroll through all the posts and pictures.  I would watch the videos and kill time or just veg out.  But I saw social media as more of a distraction and simple entertainment source that I would not particularly miss if it were gone.  And like most people, sometimes I hated it, all the arguing, attention seeking, and politics would get annoying.

Your perspective on everything changes when you face a trauma like losing a child.  Even as simple as your perspective on social media.  I now see FaceBook as one the tools that have been instrumental in my journey with Mira.  FaceBook gives me a place to share her story with family and friends and other loss Moms.  I can’t take my child out to show her off at events or while just running errands, but I can post her pictures on FaceBook whenever I want. 

I Was Counting on Forever

Mira should have been three months old this past weekend. With three months having gone by, many people expect you to being doing well, maybe not great, but better. Unfortunately, this is far from how those grieving actually feel. So what does grieving look like 13 weeks and 2 days after saying good-bye to your child? I can’t speak for everyone, but I can talk about my experience and say that the other loss moms I talk with express similar feelings and experiences.

Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go 

I was counting on forever, now I'll never know 

I can't even breathe 

It's like I'm looking from a distance, 

Standing in the background 

Everybody's saying, [she's] not coming home now, 

This can't be happening to me 

This is just a dream 

(Carrie Underwood) 

Hold On Darling One More Day

It has been eleven weeks and two days since I last held my daughter alive.  When you are pregnant everything is measured in weeks, and you are always very aware of the passage of time because you are asked all the time, “how many weeks are you?”  I have noticed most mothers start counting in months after their babies are born.  They will tell you how many months old their child is and usually take a special picture each month.  I have certainly taken even deeper note than usual on the 18^th of each month when Mira should be one month older, but for the most part, my world still is counted in weeks.  I have noticed this seems to be true for most loss Moms I talk to, at least for the first six months to a year.  Maybe it is because when you have a newborn to care for time goes so fast that you can only keep track of the months, but when you looking into an empty room that should have a newborn you feel every minute of every day.  At most points in the day, I could quickly tell you how many weeks, days and hours it has been since Mira was born.  I think most loss Moms could say the same thing.