The Stories of Who We Are

Less than a year ago you would find me posting something on FaceBook about once a month, if that.  I never disliked it, but I need had much use for it.  I would go on every other day or so and scroll through all the posts and pictures.  I would watch the videos and kill time or just veg out.  But I saw social media as more of a distraction and simple entertainment source that I would not particularly miss if it were gone.  And like most people, sometimes I hated it, all the arguing, attention seeking, and politics would get annoying.

Your perspective on everything changes when you face a trauma like losing a child.  Even as simple as your perspective on social media.  I now see FaceBook as one the tools that have been instrumental in my journey with Mira.  FaceBook gives me a place to share her story with family and friends and other loss Moms.  I can’t take my child out to show her off at events or while just running errands, but I can post her pictures on FaceBook whenever I want. 

Support from other people is one of the key things that can help you through the time after childloss.  I am so blessed to be able to list dozens of friends and family that have supported Joe and I. I know I would not have made it even this far without them.  However, as supportive as others in your life are, if they have not lost a child then cannot truly understand.  My doctor said to me yesterday, “It is so hard because unless you have lost a child you can never begin to understand the pain.  And there is just no way for you to try to explain it to anyone.”  This so true.  And that is where finding support from other loss parents as been so important to me.

I have found two great support groups on Facebook where the women are outstanding.  We cry together, rally around each other, and validate each other’s feelings.  In-person support groups are hard to find, only usually meet monthly, and involving leaving your home and seeing people you don’t know and being very vulnerable in front of them. They are great in some ways but lacking in others.  Online, you can share a struggle or a happy moment 24/7, and the support is always there.  I have found these groups to be a big part of my journey.  These other women have shared advice with me, prayed with me, cried with me, and validated all my crazy feelings.  We shared our children’s stories. I have “met” a few moms I regularly talk to online that have supported me personally.

Making a monthly book donation helps us honor Mira and share her story.
In March, we donated a book to the Kissel Hill Elementary Library,
where Mira's would have gone to school

Sharing your child’s story is very important to most loss mom’s.  Of course, some prefer to keep things private, but I have found that a lot of the time if someone is not talking about their story it is not because they don’t want to, it is because they don’t feel like they are supposed to.  Loss moms often get messages, or even directly told, to move on, stop talking about a child that no longer exists, and that their story makes other people uncomfortable.  This line of thinking is so unsupportive.  Loss parents should never be given these messages, their children’s stories matter just as much as living children’s.  This is why I keep sharing Mira’s story and always will.

Dana, Jose Robert Pacheco’s mother, would like to share her babies’ stories: 

“My husband and I had been married for about a year and a half when we got pregnant the first time, this was almost eight years ago. I did not realize I was pregnant and I started bleeding heavily one night I thought it was my period, until I passed out in the bathroom from bleeding and clotting heavily. My husband called an ambulance. At about 4 am I was given an ultrasound informing us that I was approximately 3 months pregnant. Two different doctors checked me and tried to stop the bleeding and clotting and eventually told us I was high risk and to come to see one of the doctors in a week and I was discharged. At that time we were living in Ohio and had no family or anyone to be with me while my husband worked, so we moved back to NJ to stay with my family. The same day we arrived, I ended up in the hospital again it was about three days later and I was having a miscarriage. I had to have a DNC [a procedure to remove fetal tissue after a miscarriage]. It was labeled blighted ovum. It was a horrible experience. In 2017, we found out we were pregnant again we were over the moon. On January 31, 2017 I gave birth to a perfect little boy. He was 8 pounds 1 ounces and 21 inches long. He was breech and stillborn, I had an infection in my uterus and did not know until then. My husband and I are so beyond brokenhearted. I only hope that we will be able to have a rainbow baby sometime soon before it’s too late. We will never forget him we just always wanted to be parents.”

I will remember both your children with you Dana. I hope they have met Mira in Heaven and see that their Moms have found a connection here on Earth.

In 2016, over 26,000 infants (children under 1 years old) died. 1 in every 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage and 1 in every 160 births is stillborn. Thank you to everyone who continues to support Joe and I as we grieve Mira, we still struggle every minute. This grief is all consuming. I ask that you also reach out to anyone else in your life who has suffered this kind of loss and support them. Celebrate their child with them and grieve their loss along side them. If you have suffered a loss and you want to talk about your child, no matter how old they were, share their story. Don’t feel forced to remember them alone because it may make other people uncomfortable. Your child matters. Talking about uncomfortable things is how we become comfortable with them.

We will continue to share Mira’s story. We will love her every day for all of eternity. Right now the joy I feel at being chosen as Mira’s mother is equal to the pain I feel at not being with her right now. Some day I will be with her again and have only the joy.

All of these lines across my face 

Tell you the story of who I am 

So many stories of where I've been 

And how I got to where I am 

But these stories don't mean anything 

When you've got no one to tell them to 

It's true, I was made for you 

I climbed across the mountain tops 

Swam all across the ocean blue 

I crossed all the lines, and I broke all the rules 

But, baby, I broke them all for you 

Oh because even when I was flat broke 

You made me feel like a million bucks 

You do 

I was made for you 

For you 

You see the smile that's on my mouth 

It's hiding the words that don't come out 

And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed 

They don't know my head is a mess 

No, they don't know who I really am 

And they don't know what 

I've been through like you do 

And I was made for you 

And all of these lines across my face 

Tell you the story of who I am 

So many stories of where I've been 

And how I got to where I am 

But these stories don't mean anything 

When you've got no one to tell them to 

It's true, I was made for you 

It's true that I was made for you

(Brandi Carlile)