One Year Ago "In a Parallel Universe"

This past Friday, May 18^th, marked 5 months since Miriam Jordan Ferrara was born and went to Heaven and exactly one year since I found out I was pregnant. The pain of missing Mira hurts deeply each day.  Between this anniversary and Mother’s Day, and very busy season at work, May has been rough so far. Since Friday I haven’t been able to stop thinking about May 18^th, 2017 and the weeks following. 

I remember the events of the day very clearly.  I remember that when driving home from work, I was thinking about how I was a day late, and trying to not feel hopeful so I wouldn’t be disappointed.  When I got home I took one of the cheapy pregnancy tests I had bought inn bulk a few months ago because I was tired of spending money on tests each month when I wasn’t patient enough to wait and see if I got my period before taking one.  May was actually the month I had managed to wait the longest, to the END of the day.  When that test showed those two lines that I had never gotten to see before, I was thrilled, but cautious, sure it was too good to be true.  So I got out the fancy more accurate test I had been saving (really, saving a fancy stick to pee on, lets be honest), and that one was positive too.  Over the course of the next 8 hours, I took 2 more cheap test, just to be sure.  I was so worried it was too good to be true! 

I was home alone when I took those first two tests, with Joe still at work.  I had abandoned making him wait the three minutes with me several months ago and just took them without telling him at this point.  This meant that Albus got to be the first to hear the news.  When Joe got home I practically jumped on him at the door to tell him.  We were just so excited we couldn’t think straight!  Next, I facetimed my brother, Ben, who I insisted be the first hear. We also told our parents and my sister right away, but decided to follow the 12 week rule to tell everyone else.  We went out to dinner to celebrate.  I called the OB the next day to set up my appointments.  I went to work over the next two weeks and did intakes for the summer program, talked with friends, cleaned the house, went about life all while dying to share our happy, perfect, secret. 

Then, you know the rest of the story, at 6 weeks I was misdiagnosed as having a blighted ovum. One week later Mira’s miraculous heartbeat showed up on an ultrasound and the next week we were officially told that she was healthy and there were no concerns.  Though the process of believing we had a miscarriage, and asking for support and prayers, most of our family and close friends had been told the news, so we went all out and announced our official miracle baby at 8 weeks.  I am so glad we did not wait for 12 weeks.  This gave us a full 4 weeks to celebrate Mira with the world before knowing she was sick.

There's a whole other conversation going on

In a parallel universe

Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts

There's a waltz playing frozen in time

Blades of grass on tiny bare feet

I look at you and you're looking at me

Could you beam me up,

Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it

Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face

Beam me up,

Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter, I think,

A minute's enough,

Just beam me up.

(P!nk)

The reason you are supposed to wait 12 weeks is because that is when a pregnancy is supposed to be ‘safe.’  This rule implies two things that are very wrong.  The first is that after 12 weeks, if you are still pregnant, you will have a healthy baby.  This is simply not true.  After 12 weeks the statistically likelihood of miscarriage drops but it is still possible.  Stillbirth is still possible.  And at 12 weeks it is rare to know if your baby has any health concerns.  We only knew about Mira’s at 12 weeks because we happened to get an ultrasound due to her heartbeat being hard to hear with my ‘tilted’ uterus and they weren’t concerned about anything at that time.   This information is misleading to parents, making a loss after 12 weeks even more shocking.

The second thing the ’12 week rule’ tells us is, in my opinion, a much bigger problem.  The belief that you should wait 12 weeks to announce a pregnancy incase you have a miscarriage implies, very strongly, that if you do have a miscarriage, especially prior to 12 weeks, you should keep it to yourself.  This is so wrong.  Does a baby that was developing for only 8 weeks, or 5 weeks, or 10 weeks, deserve any less acknowledgement of their life?  Does a parent losing a baby before 12 weeks need less support?  No.  It is still devastating.  It is loss, there will be grief and pain.  The mother and/or father should be able to share their grief.  Does this mean I think everyone should announce a pregnancy as soon as they know?  No, I think people should share this news whenever is best for them.  Not based on what other people think.  Not based on an accepted cultural norm that helps keep pregnancy and infant loss in the shadows.  The parents should decide what is best for them.  Do they want everyone to know about the pregnancy right away, no matter what happens?  Then they should share without judgement.  Do they want a few people to know?  Do they want to keep the news to themselves until they feel more ready?  That is fine too!  But the choice should be made based on the parents needs and desires.  There should be no pressure to keep the secret, ‘just in case.’

I don’t what Joe and I would choose to do if we did have another child.  I do know we will make the decision based on our needs, not based on rules.  I know we would celebrate a life from the moment we know it is there.  I know we will share Mira’s story, life, and legacy for the rest of ours.  She is no less important because her life was short.  Never do words seems so inefficient as when I say, “I miss you and I love you Mira.”