You Can Sit Beside Me When the World Comes Down

It is astounding how much you can feel while grieving.  Over the last several months I have written about a lot of the pain, depression, and just overwhelming despair of grief.  I write about these things for two reasons.  One, it helps me to write it out, it helps move some of the obsessive thoughts and memories out of the front of mind for a bit.  Two, this is the part of grief that people don't like to talk about, the part that they shy away from.  It is much easier to talk about appreciating life more, or being happy for times you had, or how your life changed and you learned so much. I think it is important for the world to become more comfortable with the pain of grief.

With that said, I want to take the time now to write a little about the other side of this massive range of feelings you have while grieving.  It is amazing how in all the pain and suffering, you can also find thankfulness and even some joy.  I have found so much to be thankful for over the past year.  Now, that does not mean these things I gained are anywhere near worth the loss of my daughter, but they deserve to be acknowledged as well. 

Happiness is a Choice, and Other Lies I Was Told

 

Those are some really nice thoughts, aren't they? I see them and similar ones all over Facebook, hung up in schools and offices, and on the covers of journals and books.  They may be nice thoughts, but they are also some really inaccurate, unhelpful, and, sometimes, even hurtful thoughts.

 "Happiness is a choice" is said so often, and at times you do need to chose to be happy. But that statement is a gross over simplification that does more harm than good. People who are grieving, suffering from anxiety, depression, PTSD, or are facing trauma have often heard something along those lines their whole life and that leads to feeling like they are weak and their problems are their fault. These saying minimize true, deep, painful feelings. Thoughts along the lines of "You are exactly as happy as you decide to be" are there more so to comfort people who are happy, or at least have minimal pain in their lives. It tells them, 'good job, you are successful and created this happiness for yourself and, and don't worry you cannot lose it because it is just a choice.  Those other people, the ones who are suffering? They are choosing to be unhappy, so that cannot be you." They feel protected, it is the same idea, as thinking 'it can never happen to me.'  It feels good to the ones who are doing well.  And it is okay if that has been you, but maybe it is time to think of things differently.