Those are some really nice thoughts, aren't they? I see them and similar ones all over Facebook, hung up in schools and offices, and on the covers of journals and books. They may be nice thoughts, but they are also some really inaccurate, unhelpful, and, sometimes, even hurtful thoughts.
"Happiness is a choice" is said so often, and at times you do need to chose to be happy. But that statement is a gross over simplification that does more harm than good. People who are grieving, suffering from anxiety, depression, PTSD, or are facing trauma have often heard something along those lines their whole life and that leads to feeling like they are weak and their problems are their fault. These saying minimize true, deep, painful feelings. Thoughts along the lines of "You are exactly as happy as you decide to be" are there more so to comfort people who are happy, or at least have minimal pain in their lives. It tells them, 'good job, you are successful and created this happiness for yourself and, and don't worry you cannot lose it because it is just a choice. Those other people, the ones who are suffering? They are choosing to be unhappy, so that cannot be you." They feel protected, it is the same idea, as thinking 'it can never happen to me.' It feels good to the ones who are doing well. And it is okay if that has been you, but maybe it is time to think of things differently.
Because the cold, hard truth? If happiness were a choice, I would be happy. I would not be depressed and lonely and in pain. I would just be happy. Everyone would be happy. There are a lot of choices I can make to help myself heal over time, but simply choosing to be happy is not one of them. My daughter died. I am not happy. Changing my attitude will not change the fact she is gone, it will not give me a good day when I am missing her to the core of my soul. And the things I am stressing about: Will I have a living child? Will I lose another child? Will I survive this pain of losing Mira? Those stresses will still 100% matter a year from now, ten years from now, a lifetime from now. It frustrates me even more when I see these platitudes come from a Christian source. Christianity should hold up the suffering, walk with them, offer real comfort, not dismiss pain and pretend the answer is easy.
There is comfort and inspiration that we can offer each other that is true, so lets focus on that. Instead of saying, "Happiness is a choice," say "I am here for you when you are suffering." Instead of saying "The things you are stressing about will not matter in a year," say "I care about the things make you feel stressed and want to help/listen/offer real solutions." Instead of saying, "You are as happy as you decide to be," say "You deserve to have happiness, but it is okay to feel pain too." Instead of saying "The only difference between a good day and a bad day is attitude," say "You will survive your bad days."
These differences in perspective matter. They matter to the teen reading them and feeling even more alone and weak in their suicidal thoughts. They matter to the rape survivor reading them and feeling guilt for not deciding to just be happy they survived, despite the nightmares and flashbacks. They matter to the father stressing over having enough to feed his children and now feeling like his problems will never be taken seriously by the church. They matter to the children reading them and receiving the messages we give them about how to handle negative feelings in their lives. They matter to the grieving mother, who would chose to be her old self if she could.
I do not feel offended when I see these sayings. I do not think anything negative about those who say/share them. But as someone who spent the evening laying on the floor crying beneath her daughters ashes, I know we can do more for each other than to tell one another to feel differently in the midst of suffering.
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