Mira has been gone from this Earth for 8 months now. She has been gone longer than she lived here. I was 34 weeks and 2 days pregnant when Mira was born and then died less than an hour later. The first two weeks of pregnancy don't really count, because that time is actually just the time before conception occurs and life begins. So Mira lived for 32 weeks and 2 days. At 8 months, she has now been gone longer than she was here. That hurts, we should have had a lifetime together.
When you have a child that dies, not many people want to hear about how they were born. I have had a couple people (thank you, thank you, thank you) ask to hear every detail of my birth story, but most people change the subject when I try to talk about having my child or being pregnant. Here, at 8 months without her, I want to take the time to write down every detail of the day she was born and share it with anyone who wants to read it.
Mira was born on Monday, December 18th, 2017 at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. Since we live about 1 hour and 45 minutes from Philadelphia, with good traffic, my parents, Joe's parents and Joe and I went to Philadelphia the night before and stayed in hotel rooms. I did not think there was anyway I would sleep that night, but I actually did. Joe and I got up at 5 am on the morning of my scheduled c-section to take showers and get ready. I took a shower and used the special soap I was given to use the morning of surgery. I sat on the bed while Joe helped me put on my socks, as my feet, ankles, and leg were so swollen I couldn't do it myself. I couldn't get my shoes on, none of them could physically get on my feet at this point. My mom took the laces out of my sneakers so I could get them on. My parents, Joe and I got in a cab and were taken from our hotel to the hospital. We were over a half hour early. We were told there would be traffic and to give lots of extra time. We didn't need it.
Saturday, August 18, 2018
Sunday, August 12, 2018
All Too Well
I haven’t written anything in about a month. I keep thinking I should because I know it helps me to feel less alone and isolated. But I’m so very tired. I’ve said those words many times in my life, I think all of us have. I’ve been tired because I was a child/teenager with terrible insomnia. I’ve been tired because I was a college student not worried about sleep. I’ve been tired because I’ve been a grad student while working more than full time plus extra internship hours. I’ve been tired because I was up at night worried about clients I could not help. I’ve been tired because Sleep Apnea is hard to diagnose in young women. I’ve been pull over on the side of the road and walk around the car to wake myself up tired. I've been working full-time while carrying a child to term who won't survive tired.
But I’ve never been 'ready to give-up' tired. Not until these last couple weeks. Its a whole new kind of exhaustion. Grieving is full-time work and being a loss Mom has not gotten any easier over time (yet). I think it would fill my time completely if I could just focus on grief and nothing else for a few weeks, but that is just not how life works. Instead, I have to deal with broken appliances, injured husbands, the fight to set up mental health care, a flooded basement, stolen bank cards, and all the usual day-to-day household maintenance and working full-time. I know everyone goes through times where everything seems to go wrong and pile on. But it seems like the last year and half, Joe and I have had one thing after another. When just grieving alone would make it feel hard to go on, all this other stuff is just too much. Especially this last week, I have just felt that I am at my breaking point. I've been just so tired, on so many levels, I know the exhaustion is affecting my ability to be a good wife, family member, friend, coworker, employee, and every other role in my life.
But I’ve never been 'ready to give-up' tired. Not until these last couple weeks. Its a whole new kind of exhaustion. Grieving is full-time work and being a loss Mom has not gotten any easier over time (yet). I think it would fill my time completely if I could just focus on grief and nothing else for a few weeks, but that is just not how life works. Instead, I have to deal with broken appliances, injured husbands, the fight to set up mental health care, a flooded basement, stolen bank cards, and all the usual day-to-day household maintenance and working full-time. I know everyone goes through times where everything seems to go wrong and pile on. But it seems like the last year and half, Joe and I have had one thing after another. When just grieving alone would make it feel hard to go on, all this other stuff is just too much. Especially this last week, I have just felt that I am at my breaking point. I've been just so tired, on so many levels, I know the exhaustion is affecting my ability to be a good wife, family member, friend, coworker, employee, and every other role in my life.
Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
And how do you know when to let go
Where does the good go
Where does the good go...
It's love that breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
Real happy and healthy, strong and calm
Where does the good go
Where does the good go
(Tegan and Sara)
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