All Too Well

I haven’t written anything in about a month. I keep thinking I should because I know it helps me to feel less alone and isolated. But I’m so very tired. I’ve said those words many times in my life, I think all of us have. I’ve been tired because I was a child/teenager with terrible insomnia. I’ve been tired because I was a college student not worried about sleep. I’ve been tired because I’ve been a grad student while working more than full time plus extra internship hours. I’ve been tired because I was up at night worried about clients I could not help. I’ve been tired because Sleep Apnea is hard to diagnose in young women. I’ve been pull over on the side of the road and walk around the car to wake myself up tired. I've been working full-time while carrying a child to term who won't survive tired.

But I’ve never been 'ready to give-up' tired. Not until these last couple weeks.  Its a whole new kind of exhaustion. Grieving is full-time work and being a loss Mom has not gotten any easier over time (yet).  I think it would fill my time completely if I could just focus on grief and nothing else for a few weeks, but that is just not how life works.  Instead, I have to deal with broken appliances, injured husbands, the fight to set up mental health care, a flooded basement, stolen bank cards, and all the usual day-to-day household maintenance and working full-time.  I know everyone goes through times where everything seems to go wrong and pile on.  But it seems like the last year and half, Joe and I have had one thing after another.  When just grieving alone would make it feel hard to go on, all this other stuff is just too much. Especially this last week, I have just felt that I am at my breaking point.  I've been just so tired, on so many levels, I know the exhaustion is affecting my ability to be a good wife, family member, friend, coworker, employee, and every other role in my life.

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow

What do you do with the left over you

And how do you know when to let go

Where does the good go

Where does the good go...

It's love that breaks the seal of always thinking you would be

Real happy and healthy, strong and calm

Where does the good go

Where does the good go

(Tegan and Sara)

Joe spent last weekend in the hospital.  Saturday morning (like many people in Lancaster County), we woke up to a flooded basement.  Our basement is finished and is one of the rooms we spend the most time in, and most importantly, where Mira's memorial area is located.  We immediately moved all her things out, and were relieved that nothing was damaged.  Thankfully, I had prepared for this possibility and set her area up in a safe way.  After getting all her items out, I went to the hardware store to get a pump and dehumidifier while Joe worked on getting everything else out. I returned an hour later, hoping that Joe had finished getting everything out (and my hardware store run got me out of helping with the endless runs up and down the stairs).  Instead, I walked into the house to find Joe unconscious of the floor. Dropping everything I had, I quickly ensured that he had a pulse and began trying to wake him up.  I was able to wake him up after a minute or so and get him in the car so we didn't have to call an ambulance.  He stayed in the hospital until Sunday night, with a severe concussion and unstable heart rate.  He is doing fairly well now, but still tires very easily, has trouble focusing, and is dizzy often.  Thankfully, he had no brain bleed or skull fracture, and his heart tests all looked good, we are hoping the unstable heart rate was due to the concussion, but since Joe cannot remember if he tripped and fell or if he passed out before he hit his head, he will be wearing a heart monitor for a month to make sure his heart is okay.

Joe's stay in the hospital was hard on both of us.  No one likes hospitals.  I didn't used to really mind them.  I had been in a fair amount accompanying mother and brother to his appointments when we were little.  But our journey with Mira really changed that for me.  Over the weekend, Joe and I were in many of the same rooms we were in during the first few months of my pregnancy and it was just so painful to experience.  Joe was unhappy, to say the least, when we were told that he had to spend the night.  We have not been apart over night since losing Mira and neither one of us wanted that and neither one of us wanted anything to do with the hospital.

The nurses were kind and compassionate.  When it became clear that Joe was spending the night and I would have to leave him, I took his two nurses aside and told them "Last time we were in the hospital our daughter died.  Last time our family was admitted, one of us never came home."  I asked them to keep an extra eye on Joey and call me if he needed me. They were very kind and understanding.  I am so thankful for that.

I can picture it after all these days.

And I know it's long gone,

And that magic's not here no more,

And I might be okay,

But I'm not fine at all…

I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here

'Cause I remember it all, all, all too well.

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it

I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it...

It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

(Taylor Swift)

Maybe if my daughter had not died less than 8 months ago, I could handle a flooded basement, coming home to an unconscious husband, and all the other other things that have happened this month.  But when you are missing a part of yourself, it is so hard to push through.

But I will.  I will continue to push through.  Some days I will do it better than others I'm sure.  Some days I'll have to step outside several times at work to cry.  Some days I'll get home first before the tears come.  Some days even to bed before I can't be strong anymore.  But each day I will keep making the choice to push through and do my best.  I'll do the hard work of grief.  I'll go to trauma therapy appointments and work through the "it gets worse before it gets better" part.  I'll do the house work.  I'll repaint the basement (hopefully with Joe's help when he is feeling better).  I'll cook dinner when I can and pick up take out when I can't and try to not feel too guilty about it.  And I'll keeping praying that it eases up.  That something gets easier.  I'll pray that until it does, it the midst of all of this I will feel God's presence as I try to remember how good He is, even when I have trouble understanding what is going on around me.  I could write another whole post on that subject, but I won't delve too deeply into that for now.  I'll just say that though I am confused with how God runs things, I still know He is in charge and I still know He is good.  I still know He loves Mira and I.

Joe and I have been trying so hard to make an effort to go out and do things, or see friends and family.  It has been very (very, very) hard, but we are making progress and have really enjoyed getting together with others and so appreciate those who have reached out to invite us over to their homes or out to do something.  So, we will keep doing that as well, keep working to love our daughter and make it through these days without her.

I am tired, but I will continue to fight through anyway.