Mira's Memorial Video

This is the video that I put together for Mira's memorial service.  I watched it for the first time in a long time tonight.  Watching just hurts too much sometimes, but after an especially hard last two days, I embraced my pain instead of pushing it away.  Looking at all these beautiful pictures reminds me of how many memories we tried to pack into her short time with us.  We filled each moment with love.  If there is one thing I can feel proud of, it is that my daughter never knew anything but love. 

Miss you Mira, more than words can say, so I won't try to explain how much being apart from you hurts right now. 

Where is Your God Now?

"Where is your God now?" This is said on TV and in movies.  Sometimes as a joke, sometimes serious.  This question has haunted me off and on since Mira's diagnosis.  Not because I really wonder, but because doubt is human. Because when others look at me sometimes I think they wonder that. Because it feels like a good god would prevent suffering.

On June 15, 2017, I posted this on Facebook for all to see:

Meet our miracle baby, scheduled to join us at the end of January 2018! 

Though it was never in Joe or I’s plan to share this with the wide world of Facebook at only 8 weeks along, we feel lead to share our story with everyone in hopes of spreading the love and power of God with everyone we can. 

On, May 18th I found out I was pregnant, Joe and I were overjoyed. Exactly two weeks later, I had some minor symptoms and my OBGYN ordered an ultrasound to verify that everything was going okay with the baby. The ultrasound showed that I had a blighted ovum (a generational sac but no visible developing fetus) and a miscarriage would be happening soon. I was scheduled to have blood work completed over the next few days to confirm the diagnosis, but we were told there was no hope. The baby was not alive and had not been alive for more than a few days, if that. Joe and I had little hope but prayed reverently, and asked others to as well. At this point we were mostly praying for peace and love for our little one in heaven. 

Oh, Don't You See?

Emotional strength has become a strange concept to me.  We really only tell people they are strong after they have been through something terrible.  People tell me I am strong all the time.  I don’t feel strong at all.  It is only at the times in my life that I have felt the most broken that people have told me I am strong.  I think that is true for most everyone.  So why, do we say that?  Because it is what you are supposed to say?  Because we actually think that person is strong?  To distance ourselves a bit from feeling the person’s pain? Probably a little of all three.    

You are so strong.  I couldn’t do what you have done.  Your strength is amazing.  People tell me these things.  I nod politely and smile, say something dismissive.  It is what you are supposed to do.  But, dear Lord, I do not feel strong right now.  I have felt strong at times in my career that I have stood up for what I though was right.  I have felt strength when protecting another person.  I have felt strength when I have stood up for myself.  I even felt some strength when I was fighting for Mira’s life by finding more doctors and more research.  I don’t feel strong in grief.