On June 15, 2017, I posted this on Facebook for all to see:
Meet our miracle baby, scheduled to join us at the end of January 2018!
Though it was never in Joe or I’s plan to share this with the wide world of Facebook at only 8 weeks along, we feel lead to share our story with everyone in hopes of spreading the love and power of God with everyone we can.
On, May 18th I found out I was pregnant, Joe and I were overjoyed. Exactly two weeks later, I had some minor symptoms and my OBGYN ordered an ultrasound to verify that everything was going okay with the baby. The ultrasound showed that I had a blighted ovum (a generational sac but no visible developing fetus) and a miscarriage would be happening soon. I was scheduled to have blood work completed over the next few days to confirm the diagnosis, but we were told there was no hope. The baby was not alive and had not been alive for more than a few days, if that. Joe and I had little hope but prayed reverently, and asked others to as well. At this point we were mostly praying for peace and love for our little one in heaven.
Four days later, June 5th, we received the blood test results, my hormone levels were very steadily rising as they would with a typical pregnancy. The doctor was not expecting this. More blood work was ordered. Joe and I began very specifically praying for a miracle. We prayed for the numbers to increase. My next round of blood work showed another slow increase, not promising, but still a rise. Our doctor ordered another ultrasound to confirm the blighted ovum diagnosis, which she still felt was most likely accurate. She was confused by the number’s rising, but still only gave us a 20% that the diagnosis would end up being wrong. Though better than the 0% we were given less than a week earlier, she did want us to be too hopeful.
Joe and I prayed for a heartbeat to show up on the ultrasound. We prayed and prayed. We promised to raise our child dedicated to Christ. We asked for a miracle and had full faith God would deliver. A second ultrasound was scheduled for June 8th. Joe and I prayed specifically for this scan to show a heart beat. God gave us this miracle. On June 1st we were told our baby was not alive, on June 8th our baby had a heart rate of 101 beats per minute. A beautiful, tiny, less than one centimeter miracle. God gave me an illogical sense of peace during the few days between the blood work and the 2nd ultrasound, a peace that transcends all understanding (Philippians 4:7).
We share our story in hopes of spreading the word that God is loving and kind. Miracles still happen. God delivers on his promises. He tells us to use specifics in our prayers and he will answer them. Joe and I prayed and had family and friends praying as well. God gave us peace through the pain and filled our lives with the most supportive friends and family we could ask for. God loves our baby and he loves us. He loves you too.
Please feel free to share our story with your friends to share God’s love with them. And pray for a happy healthy baby to arrive in January!
1 John 5:14-15: This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.
Since Mira's diagnosis, but much more so, since her death, I have struggled with that promise I made to give her to God. I had no idea what I was promising. Do I think God took those prayers and said, "Ha! Got you! Your will carry her and birth her, but then I'll take her!" No, absolutely not. Has my mind wandered and wondered about the cruel irony of what happened? Often. Have I been confused about why Mira was saved only to die months later? Every day. Has that made me question the greatness or existence of God? Not at all.
I have been angry with God. I have wondered why he allows suffering. I have questioned if he is a kind God. I have yelled at Him. I have been so angry with Him. I have begged him to take away my suffering. Did I mention, I have been angry with Him? But, through God's forgiveness He has allowed me all this and still given me comfort. He has still given me the strength (I know it is from Him and not myself) to continue to say with complete confidence that each word of the Bible is true, that He is in complete control, and that He loves me.
So where is my God now? Right with me. Right where he was in June 2017, and all the time before that. Where is my God now? He is in the love of the brave, strong, hurting women I have met through support groups online. Where is my God now? He is in the beautiful visions He gives me of Mira in Heaven. He is in the heart of a young child at summer program who sees my phone screen and tells me "Your baby is pretty." Where is my God? He is in the gentle words of the person who remembers to check in on me. Where is my God now? He is holding me. He is loving me. He is letting my yell and scream and cry and throw my anger at Him, all the while saying to me, "I know, I know, it hurts."
Theologians and pastors and other experts much smarter than myself could write up a great answer as to why suffering exists. All I know is we live in a broken world. And God said there would be suffering until He returned. And He said no one would know when that would be. I don't know why. I do know it is not new. The Bible is full of suffering. We, as Christians, sometime start to think we are protected from extreme suffering. Most of us know that is not really the case, but we kind of believe it, in the "it could never happen to me" way. I don't know why we think that when there is so much pain and suffering in God's Word.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held
(Natalie Grant)
He did not lie to us. He told us this life would be hard. Many of the Psalms express deep, painful, suffering: "I am worn out from all my groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow. (Psalm 6:6-7). Job is an entire book about suffering. I can relate so strongly to Job when he says, "The churning inside me never stops; days of suffering confront me. (Job 30:27)" That verse could be the tagline of child loss. Of course, there is tons of hope, love, miracles, and celebration in the Bible too, but we were never promised an easier life for being Christian. We were promised God's strength, love, and eternal life with Him.
Though my heart is broken, and I would do anything to have gotten to raise Mira myself, God has not broken any promises to me. I will always be confused as to why God saved Mira, only to bring her to Heaven 53 minutes after her birth. I know that the time I had with Mira was worth this suffering. I know that I am happier to have had 8 months of pregnancy with her and 53 minutes of her in my arms, than to have lost her at 6 weeks pregnant. I know that she touched the lives of many. I know that her story is still reaching others. I know her life forever changed mine. I know that God had bigger plans her that I ever could have.
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this...
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
(Selah)
Mostly, I know Mira is a Child of God and so am I.
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