I Know the Memories Rushing Into Your Mind

There are always reminders of Mira everywhere I go.  My desk at work has her picture, a painting I made for her, and a fox from Joe.  Every room in our house very purposefully has a picture or reminder of Mira in it. Just as living children’s love, laughter, and crying fill every room of their parents’ home, Mira fills every room of ours.  My parents’ home and my in-laws’ home have pictures of Mira up.  The admin area of my office has her footprint heart hanging year-round.  It seems everywhere I go I see a fox.  Reminders of love are everywhere, and I love them.

But triggers of pain and grief are everywhere too.  I have learned to handle them fairly well when they are expected.  I can scroll through Facebook and see the pregnancy announcements, pictures of children Mira’s age and newborn baby hospital photos.  Most of the time I can handle them just fine, I know when I log on Facebook they will be there.  I know when I watch Grey’s Anatomy there will be complicated pregnancies and when I go to the movies children will be there.  Sometimes I avoid these places and things because I know it will be too much, but often I can now handle them because I know what to expect.  It is those unexpected triggers that still get me, and as we approach one year without Mira, they seem to get worse.

It is the picture of the baby and birth announcement that greeted me on the work website I had to sign up for.  It is coming home to a piece of mail telling you that even though your baby is a year old they still need DHA, so be sure to use this formula in the ad.  It is seeing the first Christmas lights of the year on a house on the way home from work and being forcefully thrown back to one year ago when I first saw the 2017 Christmas lights going up and broke down because Mira would not be alive to see Christmas. Last year Mira was alive for Thanksgiving, this year she is not.  That is a hard, awful reality I live in.  Last year I was numb and unaware of what was going on around me on Christmas, not because I was sleep deprived with a one-week old newborn, but because my daughter died in my arms one week earlier and I was in shock still. This year a laughing, screaming 1-year-old will not entertain me on Christmas morning, I will light a candle and read an urn the Christmas Story from Luke with Joe.  Though I am always perfectly aware of these realities, they hit hard when unexpected triggers pop up that I did not prepare for.  With the baby announcement in an unexpected place, the Christmas lights, and the formula mailer all in one day, I am surprised I am still standing today.

But I am still standing.  Because of all the love reminders.  I saw the picture of that cute baby at work and looked up and saw my photo of Mira on my desk and thought about her soft cheeks.  I saw those Christmas lights and felt myself fall into a flashback but touched the ring on my finger with her name and pulled myself back after a few minutes, thinking of how carefully her name was selected.  I read the words encouraging me to give my one-year-old child a certain formula and felt anger that I had no child to feed, but was able to look at the fox Joe painted for Mira in the kitchen and remember God is nourishing my sweet girl.  Sometimes I can do this, sometimes I can’t.  It depends on the day.  Sometimes a trigger will send me to bed for a bit, or to my car to cry.  Triggers suck.  Reminders of Mira are beautiful.

As we head into this holiday season, I ask our friends and family to be gentle with Joe and me.  I know that holidays will forever be difficult as Mira is not with us, but this first full season of holidays, with her first birthday happening right in the middle of it all, will be overwhelming to say the least.  The year anniversary of her birth and death does loom over me in a way, but by planning for it and asking everyone to acknowledge her life through this time and in the years to come, it feels slightly less daunting.  As her birthday and Christmas approach I will continue to keep sharing her story, my grief, my journey to heal, our WHOLE story, the best I can.  I hope I have honored her over the past year and will continue to do so, as her story is beautiful and can teach the world of love.

I'm trying to put it all back together

I've got a story and I'm trying to tell it right

I've got the kerosene and the desire

I'm trying to start a flame in the heart of the night

You got a fire and it's burning in the rain

Thought that it went out, but it's burning just the same

And you don't look back, not for anything

'Cause if you love someone, you love them all the same

If you love someone, you love them all the same…

I know the memories rushing into your mind

I want to kiss your scars tonight

I'm laying here ‘cause you've got to try..

You’ve got to love them all the same

(The Fray)