Dear Mira...

Mira,

Momma misses you so very much.  I know you are happy and feel peace and love in Heaven.  As your mother, your happiness is what I want more than anything in the world.  I am honored to take on pain if it means you feel none.  Even though you are in such a perfect place, it still really hurts that I am not holding you.  Right now, it is almost 10:00pm.  If you were never sick, if you were still here, you would probably be asleep right now in your crib in the room that is still an office but should be a nursery.  I would sneak quietly into the room and check to make sure you were asleep.  Maybe I would lean over and kiss your sweet head, or maybe I would be too worried about waking you.  All I know is right now I would give anything to kiss your head.  I know you should not wake a one year old at 10:00 at night if they are sleeping soundly, but I would give anything to run up into that room and scoop you up into my arms to love you. 

Momma still struggles to sleep a lot of the time.  When everything is quiet and there is nothing to distract me, I have a harder time pushing away the memories of the scary times.  The time the doctors told me you were sick.  The time they told me to make decisions I did not want to.  The time they told me you could not live.  Some of the not so nice things people said during that time and since then. Mostly, the moment you stopped breathing in my arms and that long ride out of the hospital without you. I think of you every single day, constantly, just as any mother thinks of her child.  But these scary thoughts, I push away so I can function each day.  At night they are harder to stop.  Momma is working hard to get better during these times.  I pray to God, and he holds me and lets me feel a little of the peace you now live surrounded by.  That helps some.

I very rarely let myself think about what exactly life might look like if you were still here.  It just hurts too much.  Thinking just now about running up to lift you out of the crib is much more than I usually let myself think.  I miss you so very much sweet girl.  If love could have saved your life you would be here right now.  I promise I did everything I could to try to keep you here with me.  I followed all the rules in the books that tell you how to have a healthy baby.  I found the best doctors I could.  I loved you from the second I knew you were on your way.  And I would do it all again in a heartbeat, just to have had the time I did with you.  Loving you and being your mother is worth all the pain of being separated from you. 

I hope you are having fun right now.  I hope you know how much I think of you and how much I love you, but don’t feel any of the pain I do at our separation.  I live in joyful and anxious anticipation of the day we are together again.  I love you so very much!

Love Always,

Momma

Secondary Losses

A couple months ago I came across an article published on Still Standing that spoke about “secondary losses.”  I have not really thought about the term ‘secondary loss’ as it applies to Mira’s life and death, but the article explained how secondary losses are important to acknowledging in grief:

“The death of our child is termed a ‘primary loss‘. Sadly, it’s not the only loss we must endure. Many bereaved parents fail to realize that the moment our child dies, we begin to experience ‘secondary losses‘. And these, like the devastating loss of our child, must also be grieved. For those new to the term, ‘secondary losses’ refers to all the collateral damage that comes as a result of the death of a loved one. These subsequent, highly personal losses form a huge part of grief.” (Katja Faber, Still Standing, 2018)

The article went on to explain that it can be helpful to write a list of your secondary losses and then the author listed hers.  Read the article here: https://stillstandingmag.com/2018/10/11/secondary-losses-how-long-is-your-list/

This article really hit home with me.  As I have started my second year of life as a bereaved mother, I have actually been thinking about these secondary losses more and more, I just wasn’t calling them losses.  I was thinking about these things, but forcing the thoughts out of my head, thinking I should not dwell on them.  This article gave me permission to really think about everything deeply and allow myself to start to grieve the other pieces I had been having thoughts about, but refusing to acknowledge deeply.