A couple months ago I came across an article published on Still
Standing that spoke about “secondary losses.”
I have not really thought about the term ‘secondary loss’ as it applies
to Mira’s life and death, but the article explained how secondary losses are important
to acknowledging in grief:
“The death of our child is termed a ‘primary loss‘. Sadly, it’s not the only loss we must endure. Many bereaved parents fail to realize that the moment our child dies, we begin to experience ‘secondary losses‘. And these, like the devastating loss of our child, must also be grieved. For those new to the term, ‘secondary losses’ refers to all the collateral damage that comes as a result of the death of a loved one. These subsequent, highly personal losses form a huge part of grief.” (Katja Faber, Still Standing, 2018)
The article went on to explain that it can be helpful to
write a list of your secondary losses and then the author listed hers. Read the article here: https://stillstandingmag.com/2018/10/11/secondary-losses-how-long-is-your-list/
This article really hit home with me. As I have started my second year of life as a
bereaved mother, I have actually been thinking about these secondary losses
more and more, I just wasn’t calling them losses. I was thinking about these things, but
forcing the thoughts out of my head, thinking I should not dwell on them. This article gave me permission to really think
about everything deeply and allow myself to start to grieve the other pieces I
had been having thoughts about, but refusing to acknowledge deeply.
I decided to write a list myself. It took me a few weeks to commit to writing it,
I think I was scared to start. When I
finally did it I found it so very helpful to see everything in black and white
and acknowledge the pain. As I wrote the list I realized, I could really go on
forever, but I stuck to the most significant losses, the ones that sting the
most. I could write a million-page list
of all the things I missed with Mira (first words, first day of school, her
wedding, and on and on), but I only included a couple of those things in my
list, just the ones that really, really stand out. Instead, I focused on the other losses, the
ones that get overlooked, but still hurt in a deep awful way.
My Secondary Losses:
- Loss of my identity and purpose
- Loss of relationships with some friends and family
- Loss of the chance to have a baby shower for my first born
- Loss of the chance to see my first born become a big sister
- Loss of trust in doctors
- Loss of belief that God will protect me from pain
- Loss of feeling safe
- Loss of optimism
- Loss of income/financial security
- Loss of health
- Loss of energy
- Loss of strength
- Loss of passion in work
- Loss of sleep
- Loss of motivation
- Loss of memory
- Loss of ability to concentrate
- Loss of joy in family events
- Loss of feeling connected to those around me
- Loss of ability to make future plans
- Loss of belief I could protect my child
- Loss of ability to ever see a new picture of my daughter
- Loss of the chance to hear my daughter ever laugh or cry
- Loss of the chance to hear my first-born child call me “momma” or say “I love you”
- Loss of ability to attend church services without feeling panic and anxiety
- Loss of the joy at pregnancy
- Loss of control over my tears
- Loss of faith in good outcomes
Honestly, this is a rather brief list compared to what I
could write. Some of these losses may require more explanation to someone who has not lost a child. Feel free to ask me, I can do my best to explain.
I wrote this list a few weeks ago, without plans to post
it. I decided to share it for two
reason. First, to help my friends and
family (or friends and family of other bereaved parents) understand a little
more about the depth of changes in my life after Mira died. Secondly,
and much more importantly, to share this with other loss parents and hope they
feel a little less alone, as I did when I read the original article on Still
Standing.
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