Both Parts Matter

After spending the last few days pretty much doing nothing but sleeping due to a lovely virus my husband so kindly shared with me, I’m finding it difficult to sleep tonight.  Is that stage of sickness where you can’t just sleep and check out, but you don’t feel well enough to actually do a darn thing the best? With my lack of sleep and being in bed for basically 4 solid days (minus a half day Monday where I decided I was better and went to work) I’ve been thinking so much about everything that has happened and everything that has changed as a result.

My mind has wandered to all that went wrong in the last two year, from the obvious and most painful, to the less severe but still stressful.  I have said so many times that the last two years have been hard, but when I really got into listing out the things Joe and I have faced, I realized the enormity of the way things can pile up.  From our laptop, phone, and refrigerator all breaking during a time when there were no finances to spare, to Joe losing his job after missing work for CHOP appointments, to serious health concerns, to the effects of PTSD and grief in our lives and on our relationships with friends and family, it is a lot! And that is just a small snippet of the list I had running through my head.  I wasn’t thinking about this in an obsessive, “woe is me” type of way though, just a matter fact way.  It is the first time I really let myself think about everything like that all at once. 

I actively work through my grief and do my best to be open and honest about it in safe places, like here in my blog.  However, as focused as I have been on my love for my daughter and my grief process, I have not taken the time to truly acknowledge to myself the impact all the other small and large things have had.  As much as I have absolutely hated being sick and not having the ability to take care of the household chores and missing work, having the time to be forced to think about these may actually be good.  I took the time to acknowledge how hard everything has been, even outside of the unimaginable pain of Mira dying. 

Usually when I think of these things, I have quickly pushed them aside with all the “buts.”  All these things happened BUT we had support.  The computer broke at a time we really needed one BUT we had an amazing friend gift us a small laptop for use.  Joe faced some serious health issues after getting a concussion BUT he recovered after a few months.  I have used the ‘buts’ as a reason to tell myself it was not right to be upset by the hard things.  Though that truth is, those things are all still hard, even if they worked out okay.  They still caused pain and anxiety at the time, during a time when there were no emotional reserves to spare.  I have realized changing those “buts” to “ands” make a big difference.  “Buts” dismiss what ever came before it, “ands” acknowledge both pieces of the thought. 

Joe lost his job when he missed work due to CHOP appointments AND we were able to qualify for unemployment to help get us through.  Our refrigerator suddenly broke right before Mira was born meaning we had to appliance shop when too stressed to think straight and with no budget AND our church loving paid for the majority of the purchase.  See “and” makes a big difference.  It lets me be grateful AND acknowledge the pain, instead of forcing myself to ignore the pain to ensure I am grateful.  I think this is important in so many aspects of life.

Missing Mira is the most painful thing imaginable for me AND Mira is the most wonderful part of my life.  Giving birth to a child just to watch her die is the hardest, most awful thing I have ever had to do AND giving birth to my daughter was the most wonderful, most important thing I have every done.  “And” means both parts matter, so let's all acknowledge the pain and joy in our lives.