Mira’s 2nd Birthday is just two short days away. It is so surreal to be here. I have used the word surreal before in relation
to this infant loss journey and I just don’t think there is a better word for
it.
I can still feel on my fingertips how amazingly soft Mira’s cheeks
were. I mean, I didn’t know skin could BE
that soft. I can still feel her weight
in my arms, and it feels so real if I let myself really think about it. I can feel that pain and tightness in my chest
that I felt when the doctor said she was gone and I broke down, wailing and
proclaiming that I needed more time with her, if allow myself to go there. It feels like it all just happened.
But also, it feels like another lifetime. It feels like an alternate reality that I got
to feel a life grow inside me and then hold my own child in my arms. It feels like the happiness of finding out I
was pregnant could have been an overly realistic dream. It feels like so very long ago that I was
wheeled out of a maternity ward clutching only a stuffed animal, feeling so
numb I’m not sure I knew what was happening.
So, it is surreal for it two be close to two years ago.
Some people still ask how I am doing (thank you so much for
asking!!!!). It is hard to explain,
mostly because it is ever changing. To
sum it up, I would say I am doing okay.
I have times where I am very happy. I love my husband, I love our pets, I love our
family. I am doing so much better emotionally
on a daily basis since starting a new job where I feel I am growing professionally
again and I do not need to worry about how I am treated by coworkers or my
grief being held against me. I love
sharing Mira’s story when I can. I love
that I am her mother. I feel great
happiness finding ways to help other loss parents, either through Mira’s
Banners of Love, writing, or just being there for them. Joe and I have planned a trip for the spring,
an early celebration for our 5-year wedding anniversary, and the first trip we
have taken (other than a couple weekends) since our honeymoon. It is a huge step to plan ahead like this, as
after such trauma and loss you quit making any plans. I mean I had plans and look what happened?! But anyway, the point it, there is happiness,
love, and joy in my life.
The is also still great pain. And there always will be. Christmas time is a huge trigger, and it may always
be. For me, two year ago Christmas
decorations going up were a signal that the time with Mira was almost up. I knew she would be gone when the holiday
actually arrived. Last year, the first
house with Christmas lights I saw sent me into a horrible flashback and felt
like a knife in my heart. This year it
was hard again. When people started
talking about Christmas and debating when you could decorate or sing the songs,
I bit back my desire to tell them to shut up.
But I also know that I can survive this time of year. I can make it through. I can remember the good times from Mira’s life
along with the horrible pain of it ending.
It doesn’t make it hurt less, but it makes it matter more. I was more prepared for the triggers this
year and it did not knock me off my feet in the same way. There is other pain too. Such as the constant
ache of forever missing your child. I
love my family, but there is and always will be a Mira shaped hole in it. I ache for her daily.
So, all in all, I am doing okay. There is enough pain to go around, but there
is joy too. I remain committed to
feeling both, not just one or the other.
Planning the Spreading Kindness event for Mira’s 2nd Birthday
has been a great way for Joe and I to cope with the anniversary/birthday date approaching. I want to sincerely thank each and every
person who has participated so far! I feel
a leap of joy with each post/comment, text, picture, etc. we receive about what
you have done to spread her love all over.
It means the world to me! It is
often said, “a loss Mom’s greatest fear is that her child will be forgotten.” This is so true for me, and I so appreciate you
all showing me this has not happened to Mira and that her love can live
on! Right now, this is what keeps me
going and helps me through.
I imagine that Wednesday (her birthday and anniversary of her
death) will be very hard as will Friday (the anniversary of the day we left the
hospital without her). I am not sure if
I will be able to see the joy as well those days, but I hope I will. If I can’t, I will not feel guilty though. This is a hard journey, and I will do what I
can, as I can and will not beat myself up for the times I struggle.
Joe and I plan to spend her birthday doing a
few things, mainly going to see Peter Pan at the Fulton Theater, something I
would have loved to do with her, as it was my favorite movie as a child (the
Broadway version, not Disney!). I hope
to find joy in letting her life live on through our celebration. I hope you remember her with me and don’t
forget to wish her a happy birthday and thank her for all the good she has done
in the world, both in her life and after her death.
Mira,
Mommy loves you just as much as she did 2 years ago. Maybe more if that is possible! I am amazed to see how your amazing life
continues to affect and inspire people.
You are my perfect inspiration and my motivation to continue to not just
survive, but live. I can’t wait to see
you again. I love you forever.
“I will carry you long beyond the empty
cradle, through the coming years.”
Love, Momma
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