Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a harder holiday to celebrate when you have lots to be thankful for, but one overwhelming part of your life that is so hard.  Joe and I have 24 days left with Mira.  I am so thankful we have time left.  I am so thankful that we have amazing support from friends and family.  I am thankful for all the financial assistance we have been given.  I am thankful for all the services CHOP and Three Little Birds Palliative Care have offered our family.   I am so very thankful that I was chosen to carry Mira and love her, I wouldn't want any other child.   I am so very sad that Mira will be with us such a short time.  It is really easy to let that overshadow everything else.  Some days, it does overshadow everything, and more and more often as we get closer.  But I am looking forward to holding my daughter and I am thankful for the support we have and the time we have with her.  I will do my best to choose to see that today and everyday.  It is hard, and sometimes impossible, but day by day, minute by minute, I can try.  I can do that for my daughter.

Our time with Mira seems to be speeding by the last couple weeks since we were given the date of my c-section.  We have been going to CHOP weekly for ultrasounds and monitoring since November 2nd.  It's an exhausting day each week.  It slips into my mind sometimes, "only 3 more weekly visits, yay!"  But then quickly, "wait, no, when the visits are over, so is our time with Mira."  I have back pain, it's hard to sleep, and all sorts of other pain, and I complain sometimes.  I complain because,well, it does hurt (just like any pregnancy), but also because it makes me feel a little more like a normal pregnant person.  But, at the same time you'll never hear me say, "I can't wait until she is born and I am done being pregnant!" That thought brings fear instead of joy.

Mira's bag is packed with all the special things we want to have with her that day.  We completed our birth plan and it is in our medical chart.  My pre-op visit is confirmed.  I am cleared by anesthesia to have surgery at CHOP, despite my sleep apnea.  The memorial date is set.  I looked at the packed bag, ready to go just in case, and looked at my to-do list today and thought, "okay, we are ready."  I felt some peace that we are prepared and if something changes suddenly, we can make it work.  I also thought about two weeks ago when a new doctor saw us at CHOP and told us that we would likely need to have the c-section the next week, 5 weeks ahead of schedule.  (That doctor was wrong and our usual doctor took care of things!).  I thought about how in the moment I was terrified.  I cried and yelled to Joe "I'm not ready, I'm not ready!"  I think I will still feel this way on December 18th.  Everything is planned, everything is packed, but I am not ready.  I just trust God will give me strength and fill our hearts with peace on December 18th so we can love every moment we have with Mira.

And I'll let it be known

At times I have shown

Signs of all my weakness

But somewhere in me

There is strength

And You promise me

That you believe

In time I will defeat this

Cause somewhere in me

There is strength

And today I will trust you with the confidence

Of a man who's never known defeat

And I'll try my best to just forget

That that man isn't me

And You said I know that this will hurt

But if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse

If the burden seems too much to bear

Remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

Reach out to me

Make my heart brand new

Every beat will be for You

For You

And I know You know

You touched my life

When You touched my heavy heart and made it light

(Relient K)