When the Sacred Is Torn From Your Life... And You Survive

It’s hard being back to work. It’s hard staying home all day. It’s hard when I am too busy fully focus on Mira. It’s hard when I have nothing to do but sit and think of her. It’s hard to be around people. It’s hard to be alone. It’s hard to get out of bed. It’s hard to keep breathing.

For eight weeks my entire day could consist of grieving Mira. It was hard to do that, but it has been very difficult to return to work as well. I can no longer drop everything to sit with my memories of her and cry whenever it strikes me. I am happy to be back with my coworkers that I love, back to a job I truly enjoy, and back in a consistent routine. But, when I return home at the end of the day, I am so emotionally exhausted. It feels that have a full day of grieving to fit into the few hours between getting home and going to bed.

We Keep This Love in a Photograph

When you are grieving there are so many moments that hit you in a way you don't expect.  I have been making a scrapbook of Mira's time with us.  I started it while I was pregnant, but did not really work on it until that last several weeks while I have been off work.  I had been doing a few pages a day, but this last week as I got nearer to finishing the book I have not been able to do hardly anything but work on it.  As I created pages about the last days of my pregnancy, Mira's birth, the time in the hospital after, and of her memorial, I relived every moment.  I cried because I lost her.  I smiled because I remembered her sweet life.  It hurt.  It was therapeutic.  It was heartbreaking.

Then I finished.  I expected to feel happy and proud, the feelings of an accomplished goal.  I didn't.  I am glad have a book documenting Mira's life and I will treasure it, as it contains every moment of her life.  But that is just it.  It contains every moment of her life.  There will be no more.  There is one book, one book that didn't even need to have additional pages purchased for it, that contains every moment of my daughter's life.  That is not fair.  That is not how it is supposed to be.  There should be dozens and dozens of books.  There should be endless moments to document.  There should be firsts and events and holidays.  Or maybe there should be no book at all yet, because I should be too busy with a newborn to make a scrapbook.