When the Sacred Is Torn From Your Life... And You Survive

It’s hard being back to work. It’s hard staying home all day. It’s hard when I am too busy fully focus on Mira. It’s hard when I have nothing to do but sit and think of her. It’s hard to be around people. It’s hard to be alone. It’s hard to get out of bed. It’s hard to keep breathing.

For eight weeks my entire day could consist of grieving Mira. It was hard to do that, but it has been very difficult to return to work as well. I can no longer drop everything to sit with my memories of her and cry whenever it strikes me. I am happy to be back with my coworkers that I love, back to a job I truly enjoy, and back in a consistent routine. But, when I return home at the end of the day, I am so emotionally exhausted. It feels that have a full day of grieving to fit into the few hours between getting home and going to bed.

They had no sudden healing

To think that providence would

Take a child from his mother while she prays

Is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?

We're asking why this happens

To us who have died to live?

It's unfair

This is what it means to be held

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held

(Natalie Grant)

Mira would have been 2 months old yesterday had she lived. I think of those cute pictures people post on FaceBook of their babies with a Pinterest perfect number each month to show their growth. I have hundreds of pictures of Mira, but she will always be the same size in each one. The only thing I can do is try to ensure her impact on others continues to grow. One way Joe and I have decided to do this is to purchase a book each month of this first year and donate it in her name. Mira was always most active while being read to and I feel strongly she would have been an avid reader. Our hope is that, though Joe and I do not have the ability to make large donations to organizations, each book we donate will have a positive impact on someone in some way. Whether it is because a family came together to read a story to their children, or whether seeing her name in the book prompted someone to learn about Mira’s story, or whether the story in the book itself inspires something positive in someone’s heart, Joe and I hope that this small act of giving will bring some good in some way.

Looking at pictures of Mira, I can’t believe it has been two months since she went home to Jesus. It’s so cliché to say “It feels like just yesterday…” but it really does feel like just yesterday I was holding her. I still feel such a strong and physical ache in my arms to hold her again. The longing I feel to be with her and stroke her soft check is completely indescribable. I often still absentmindedly put my hand to my stomach when thinking of her, and then with jarring realization pull my hand away knowing she isn’t there. I get a horrible headache and look in the medicine cabinet and think “no, I won’t take anything, it’s not good for the baby.” Then startled, I quickly remind myself I am no longer carrying her. I feel, quite honestly most, if not all the of time, a very real emptiness. It is there when I am crying. It is there when I am laughing. It is there when it looks like I am fine and enjoying myself. I can laugh with friends and enjoy spending time with others, but I am always, always thinking at the same time that I just want my daughter. Quite often, the tears are right there on the surface, even though it may not show. But that is okay, because “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven…a time to mourn, and a time to dance. (Ecclesiastes 3:1,4)” Right now and for the foreseeable future is the time to mourn. God will allow me all the time I need. I don’t know the purpose for my mourning, but I continue to trust that God has a purpose as He promises in His Word.

You are my one and only

You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight

You are my one and only

You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight

And you'll be alright

'Cause you were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life

Maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why.

(Ed Sheeran)

Miriam Jordan, I have such pure joy to have been given the privilege to meet you. The love I have for you cannot be measured or explained with words. Since there is much love, there is so much pain now that you are gone. But, I wait in joyful expectation to see you again. I will “rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, [and] be constant in prayer (Romans 12:12)”. It may feel like an eternity until I see you again, but this time will blink by so fast compared to the true eternity I will spend with you in Heaven. Since, “with the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day (2 Peter 3:8),” I hope to you it feels like you just got there and then you turn around and I am with you again. I love you sweet baby girl.