We Keep This Love in a Photograph

When you are grieving there are so many moments that hit you in a way you don't expect.  I have been making a scrapbook of Mira's time with us.  I started it while I was pregnant, but did not really work on it until that last several weeks while I have been off work.  I had been doing a few pages a day, but this last week as I got nearer to finishing the book I have not been able to do hardly anything but work on it.  As I created pages about the last days of my pregnancy, Mira's birth, the time in the hospital after, and of her memorial, I relived every moment.  I cried because I lost her.  I smiled because I remembered her sweet life.  It hurt.  It was therapeutic.  It was heartbreaking.

Then I finished.  I expected to feel happy and proud, the feelings of an accomplished goal.  I didn't.  I am glad have a book documenting Mira's life and I will treasure it, as it contains every moment of her life.  But that is just it.  It contains every moment of her life.  There will be no more.  There is one book, one book that didn't even need to have additional pages purchased for it, that contains every moment of my daughter's life.  That is not fair.  That is not how it is supposed to be.  There should be dozens and dozens of books.  There should be endless moments to document.  There should be firsts and events and holidays.  Or maybe there should be no book at all yet, because I should be too busy with a newborn to make a scrapbook.



But there is.  There is a book that contains every moment that Mira's heart beat on this Earth.  And it makes me sad and angry.  But it also makes me grateful.  Grateful I could take the pictures.  Grateful Joe and I could take Mira to all those place while she grew inside me.  Grateful I could meet her and hold her.  Grateful we didn't lose her earlier.  Grateful we knew what was coming.  Grateful I have hundreds of pictures from the time we had with her in the hospital.

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes

But it’s the only thing that I know

When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph

We make these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Hearts are never broken

And time’s forever frozen still

So you can keep me 

Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans 

Holding me closer until our eyes meet 

You won’t ever be alone, wait for me to come home

Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul

And it's the only thing that I know

I swear it will get easier 

Remember that with every piece of you

And it the only thing we take with us when we die...

Inside these pages you just hold me 

And I won’t ever let you go 

Wait for me to come home

(Ed Sheeran) 

Though Mira's heart no longer beats on Earth, maybe there are more moments of her life to come. Maybe the way she changed other people's lives, and then the lives those people will change count as her moments too.  I know she impacted so many people.  I have heard stories of how she changed other people's perspectives, thoughts about themselves, and understanding of love.  And she made me a mother.  That is a lot of impact for one little life.  I think she will continue to leave her mark here on Earth; she will continue to leave her love in people's lives for many years to come.  

I know I will miss her and love her each day for the remainder of my life as I wait to see her again.  I keep seeing this quote on Facebook that my friends with children share about appreciating each day with your children: "The days are long, but the years are short."  I can't help but think for beavered mothers the days are long, and the years even longer.  Missing your child is an indescribable pain that changes your life and perspective on everything.  Mira has changed me in so many ways.  Though I feel overwhelming pain and sadness as I spend my long days missing her, I promise her I will honor her by continuing to share her story. I will use it to teach others of love, both the love here on Earth and in Heaven.  Because I know though our love for her will last forever, this pain will not.  God will get us through and I when I see her again I want her to be proud of how her Momma spent her life.