Walking the Wire

More than a half year out from losing Mira and I find I am struggling with different battles at this point than in the very beginning.  I would like to be proactive and share some of those struggles in my effort to share grief in an open and honest way.

I am having to actively fight against isolating myself.  A battle I did not entirely foresee.  I have gone from having a passion to share my grief in an effort to make infant loss less of a taboo subject, to these last several weeks having to force myself to share these deep feelings and struggling with thoughts of what others may think of me.  I have to remind myself that the writing and the sharing is good for me.  That it will help.  That maybe it will help someone else.  Even just one other person who could relate and feel less alone would be worth it. 

I have to fight to get myself to go places.  To talk to people.  To answer the phone.  My instinct and desire has turned into hiding and being alone.  Joe and I have not been to church in months, I am so overwhelmed at the idea of being around all those people.  Even if I know it would be good for me to try.  I struggle so much to make any plans.  Even just a few days away.  I made plans.  I planned a life as a mother.  It is terrifying to make plans after your most important plans fall apart.  On top of that, I feel I need a back-up, an out, just in case I am too much of a mess to follow the plan I made with others.

I battle with anger, guilt, and loneliness.  I am angry that God did not heal Mira.  I prayed.  I believed He could.  He did not.  I am angry at people who do not care about Joe and I’s pain.  I am angry that I can’t feel God holding me the same way I did in the very beginning.  I feel guilty with all the ‘what ifs.’  What if I had insisted they wait longer for the C-section, would we have had longer with Mira?  What if I refused to let them drain fluid from her head before she was born?  They said it was necessary for a safe delivery, but what if I refused, would we have had more time?  Guilt I didn’t do enough.  The nights I was in too much pain to read to her.  The times I let some complaints of the discomfort slip out while she was alive.  I should not have complained of anything while she still lived.  Guilt over missing events with family and friends that I just can’t bring myself to attend.  Guilt over not spending enough time with God.  Guilt over pretending I am fine around others when I am not.  Guilt over making others feel sad because of my sadness.  So much guilt.  Loneliness, even if surrounded by others because my arms are still empty.  Loneliness in feeling the intense strong presence of God that I felt through pregnancy and in the weeks right after Mira was born has faded.  Loneliness that I feel when laughing and going about a normal work day, when in reality my heart is aching.

I battle with the memories.  Especially when they come up unexpected, triggered by some innocent comment or situation.  I want to think of Mira every second.  But it hurts too.  The memories of the hardest moments come back and overwhelm me at times.  They replay at night when I would love just a night or two of real sleep without any nightmares.

Those of you who do still read my posts, now in the second half of my first year without Mira, I ask for your prayers.  Pray that God will reach me with His love and peace, even when I am feeling too broken to ask him for it.  Pray that my anger, guilt, and loneliness will fade.  I know they are normal parts of grief, but I am not an angry or self-pitying person, and am so uncomfortable with these new pieces of me.  Pray for the understanding and patience of those around us to continue.  Pray for strength and courage for Joe and me to continue to live life the best we can in these moments.  Whether that means attending a get together with friends or making it to service Sunday morning or sitting home together and feeling okay with that. Pray that I can continue to be honest with my grief whenever it would be beneficial to myself or others. 

Through all these overwhelming and negative feelings, I do not ever forget the support I have received.  The dozens and dozens of cards we received still hang on our walls.  I hold the gifts you sent Mira and I in my hands.  I read over the names in the guest books from her service.  I remember what you all have done. I will keep fighting these battles because you have shown me it is worth the fight. 

Do you feel the same when I'm away from you?

Do you know the line that I'd walk for you?

We could turn around, or we could give it up

But we'll take what comes, take what comes

Oh, the storm is raging against us now

If you're afraid of falling, then don't look down

But we took the step, and we took the leap

And we'll take what comes, take what comes

Feel the wind in your hair

Feel the rush way up here

We're walking the wire, love

We're walking the wire, love

We're gonna be higher, up

We're walking the wire, wire, wire

There's nights we had that just walk away

And there's tears we'll cry, but those tears will fade

It's the price we pay when it comes to love

And we'll take what comes, take what comes…

(Imagine Dragons)