May 10th: Understanding
Understanding has been something I have constantly searched for since Mira's diagnosis and continue to even today in some ways. It started with trying to understand her diagnosis and prognosis. I researched CONSTANTLY and in every way possible. I searched through medical journals, even ones in other languages and had them translated the best I could. I wanted to understand everything that was happening with Mira in an effort to protect the best way possible. I searched for some understanding of why this was happening medically, I took every test I possibly could to try to find an answer. I have searched for an understanding of why, God, why do you let this happen to babies? I have read and reread articles with their opinions, I have asked those who I trust, I was searched through the Bible for an answer and understanding. I have pleaded for understanding from the people around me. Begged them to understand how much I am hurting and be there when I need it. I have searched for understanding every day since June 19th, 2017. I have found some understanding, but still search for more.
May 11th: Keepsake
I don't think anyone could possibly understand the great value their is in tangible keepsakes after the loss of a child, unless you have faced it. Some parents don't have any physical keepsake, they only knew their babies for a few short weeks and may not even have an ultrasound. I am so incredibly blessed to have many keepsakes from Mira's life. I have an area in our living room in the basement where her urn is kept safe and displayed proudly that is full of her footprints, pictures, moldes of her hands and feet, a scrapbook documenting every moment, and so so much more. We collect foxes anywhere we find them as ways to continue to love her, and those become keepsakes as well.
May 12th: Beauty
To me, all the beauty in the world is in this face, right here:
May 13th: Nature
Nature was to be the central idea that created the theme of Mira's would-be nursery. I grew up in a very rural area with a forest behind my house that I spent so much time in as a child, it was my favorite place and filled with peace for me. I would play in the woods with my brother, go berry picking, and often climb a tree with a book and a walkman and sit and read and listen to music. As soon as I knew I was pregnant I wanted my child to have a room that represented all that love and peace I remembered, thus I chose a woodland theme and quickly got Joe onboard (maybe forced Joe on board). I planned sky blue walls and a mural of trees for around the crib. I planned a crib and furniture that was the natural wooden grey of an ash tree truck. I planned for bedding and accents full of woodland animals. Joe and I fell in love with a fox we found at Babies R Us and decided to make the fox our central animal. I found cloth diapers and blankets with foxes and put everything on a list to buy/register for. It was going to be just perfect. Then at the end of August 2017, I deleted that list and said good-bye to the room I planned to raise my child in.
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