May 7th: New Normal
New Normal is all about accepting that your life is different now and will never be the same. It accepting that it will not go back to the way it was. This has been very hard for me. I have accepted a lot of the new normal me. I will not look at anything the same way anymore. I see life as more fragile and I empathize deeper with those I work with. I am more open and honest about my feelings. I am more willing to be vulnerable if it means helping other or spreading awareness. I have deeper passion for the children I work with and a new found passion for those who grieve. I am more willing, in cases where it is appropriate and needed, stand up for myself and my needs (though I working on this one still!). These are good new aspects of myself.
However, I often long for the time when my heart did not feel so heavy and hurt so much. I time when I didn't yet know how much some people in my life would let me down and break my heart. A time when I was more optimistic and cheerful. My new normal is a lot more tired and a lot more scared. I don't like being this tired, scared person. But living with the reality of your child being dead is exhausting. It is like I used to start pretty much every day with my energy reserves full and ready to tackle whatever came up throughout the day. Now 75% of those reserves go towards the grief each day, meaning I have only 25% left to tackle work, relationships, housework, errands, and everything else. I am just so tired. Everything is so much harder. I am sure some people reading this that have never had the pain of losing a child, think that 75% of your energy going towards grief over a year out from the loss is either an exaggeration or a sign of unhealthy grieving, but it isn't. The grief, the PTSD, the depression, they take a lot out of you and that doesn't change after a year, or two, or three. Now in the first several months 99% of my energy went to grief, so there's improvement, and I know there will be more. But it will never stop being hard. The fear takes up so much too. The fear of never having a child to raise. The fear of losing another child. The fear of having more friends/family walking away from me when I need them. The fear is exhausting too. New normal kinda sucks when you get down to it.
May 8th: Mother
Being a mother right now at 29 years old looks so very different than I ever imagined. In the perfect plan for my life, I would have one or even two children in my house right now in their beds. Children that may wake throughout the night and that I would get ready in the morning and parent the way I always planned. Instead, I have one child in Heaven and none hear in my home. Being a mother at 27 years old, meant fighting for my child's right to be born and have whatever moments life she could. It meant making choices I never dreamed I would have to at 27 years old. It meant planning a funeral. Being a mother at 28 and 29 years old has looked like finding ways to honor my child's short life and live in a way to make her proud. It has meant protecting her memory and furthering her legacy. This is not what I ever imagined motherhood to look like. The very most important basics of being a mother are loving and protecting your child though, and that, that I get to do every day. It just looks different than I planned.
May 9th: In My Heart
This prompt just immediately made me think of the lyrics to "You'll Be In My Heart" by Phil Collins (from the Disney Tarzan movie). I sang this song to Mira while I was pregnant, I sang it to her in the hospital over the three days that I held her still little body.
My arms will hold you,
Keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart
Always
Why can't they understand the way we feel
They just don't trust what they can't explain
I know we're different, but deep inside us
We're not that different at all
And you'll be in my heart
Yes you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other, to have, to hold
They'll see in time, I know
When destiny calls you, you must be strong
I may not be with you
But you got to hold on
They'll see in time, I know
We'll show them together
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Believe me you'll be in my heart
I'll be there from this day on
Now and forever more
Those lyrics say all there is to say. I love you Mira, now and forever more.
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