May We All Heal: Part Eight

May 29th: Day By Day

Everyone says you have to take it day by day right after the loss, just think of one day at a time.  But that is a lie.  You have to literally take it a moment at a time in the very beginning.  Then slowly you get up to an hour and then eventually day at a time.  I still take it a day at a time mostly.  Asking me to plan far ahead is terrifying.  I had plans, wonderful, beautiful plans.  They fell apart.  When Mira died, so did all the plans I had for life with her.  All the plans I had for my life.  It makes it hard to go about planning anything significant again.  I have certainly made progress in this area!  I have started an adjunct teaching position, and will be teaching my first class this summer.  That took a lot of planning and commitment!  I can plan ahead just fine at work and for anything professional.  It is personal planning that is still a major struggle.  Planning a trip, planning an event, planning a future.  It is still scary.  But I work through it day by day.

May 30th: Power

We have so little power or control over our own lives.  I did not fully understand this before losing Mira.  I knew and completely believed the God had all the power and was in full control, but I did not fully comprehend how little power I had.  I followed all the books' advice and doctors' recommendations for pregnancy from the time Joe and I started trying to have a baby, long before I was even pregnant, just to be safe.  I took the vitamins and ate the right food.  I avoided what I should and added in the right things.  In the end, it didn't matter. I lost my baby anyway.  When Mira was diagnosed, I researched like crazy and tried everything to save her.  I found I had no control over her health at all. I begged God, the one with the power, to save her.  And he did not.  It seems, I did not have any power at all to control my life or save my daughter's.  That was a hard, hard, lesson to learn.  And there is no sugar coating it.  My daughter died.  God did not save her.  I could not protect her. And I had no choice, and no power, in the matter.  In realizing this, all I can do is continue to submit to the One with all the power.  I have to trust that God has the power because He knows so much better than I what must happen.  I will never know while I am still alive, why He did not use His power to save my Mira, but I do have complete faith that He has a plan bigger than I do. 

May 31st: From Now On...

From now on....

I will keep loving you, Mira.

I will keep trying to live my life in a way that is honoring to you, your daddy, and Jesus.

I will not give up, even on the hardest days.