You Can Sit Beside Me When the World Comes Down

It is astounding how much you can feel while grieving.  Over the last several months I have written about a lot of the pain, depression, and just overwhelming despair of grief.  I write about these things for two reasons.  One, it helps me to write it out, it helps move some of the obsessive thoughts and memories out of the front of mind for a bit.  Two, this is the part of grief that people don't like to talk about, the part that they shy away from.  It is much easier to talk about appreciating life more, or being happy for times you had, or how your life changed and you learned so much. I think it is important for the world to become more comfortable with the pain of grief.

With that said, I want to take the time now to write a little about the other side of this massive range of feelings you have while grieving.  It is amazing how in all the pain and suffering, you can also find thankfulness and even some joy.  I have found so much to be thankful for over the past year.  Now, that does not mean these things I gained are anywhere near worth the loss of my daughter, but they deserve to be acknowledged as well. 

Happiness is a Choice, and Other Lies I Was Told

 

Those are some really nice thoughts, aren't they? I see them and similar ones all over Facebook, hung up in schools and offices, and on the covers of journals and books.  They may be nice thoughts, but they are also some really inaccurate, unhelpful, and, sometimes, even hurtful thoughts.

 "Happiness is a choice" is said so often, and at times you do need to chose to be happy. But that statement is a gross over simplification that does more harm than good. People who are grieving, suffering from anxiety, depression, PTSD, or are facing trauma have often heard something along those lines their whole life and that leads to feeling like they are weak and their problems are their fault. These saying minimize true, deep, painful feelings. Thoughts along the lines of "You are exactly as happy as you decide to be" are there more so to comfort people who are happy, or at least have minimal pain in their lives. It tells them, 'good job, you are successful and created this happiness for yourself and, and don't worry you cannot lose it because it is just a choice.  Those other people, the ones who are suffering? They are choosing to be unhappy, so that cannot be you." They feel protected, it is the same idea, as thinking 'it can never happen to me.'  It feels good to the ones who are doing well.  And it is okay if that has been you, but maybe it is time to think of things differently. 

Nobody Knows Where You Might End Up

I've watched Grey's Anatomy since it first started airing.  It is one of the few shows that I actually keep up with still.  A lot of the time it is overly dramatic and unrealistic, but there is research behind most of the medical sides of things and sometimes they do tackle big issues like racism, domestic violence, and mental illness.  And who doesn't like to escape from reality with a little over the top drama every once in a while? 

Never in a million years, did I think that random medical information I had learned by watching a TV drama would be meaningful in my real life.  But on July 19th, 2017 I stood in the techs' office of the women's imaging department of our local hospital and a doctor told me my child had an "abdominal wall defect" and I needed to see Maternal Fetal Medicine first thing in the morning.  The only reason most of those word really meant anything to me was because I had heard them on TV.  The doctor asked if I had heard of Maternal Fetal Medicine specialists before and my exact answer was, "Well, kind of, I mean I know what they do on Grey's Anatomy."  (I know really intelligent sounding answer).  The doctor actually responded, "You watch Grey's Anatomy?  Ok, good, yes, that is what they do," and he went on to explain exactly what they specialize in.  Of course he left out the part where the vast majority of the time the doctors on Grey's Anatomy pull off amazing fetal surgeries and never say, 'no it can't be done', though that is what I was destined to hear.

One Year Ago "In a Parallel Universe"

This past Friday, May 18^th, marked 5 months since Miriam Jordan Ferrara was born and went to Heaven and exactly one year since I found out I was pregnant. The pain of missing Mira hurts deeply each day.  Between this anniversary and Mother’s Day, and very busy season at work, May has been rough so far. Since Friday I haven’t been able to stop thinking about May 18^th, 2017 and the weeks following. 

I remember the events of the day very clearly.  I remember that when driving home from work, I was thinking about how I was a day late, and trying to not feel hopeful so I wouldn’t be disappointed.  When I got home I took one of the cheapy pregnancy tests I had bought inn bulk a few months ago because I was tired of spending money on tests each month when I wasn’t patient enough to wait and see if I got my period before taking one.  May was actually the month I had managed to wait the longest, to the END of the day.  When that test showed those two lines that I had never gotten to see before, I was thrilled, but cautious, sure it was too good to be true.  So I got out the fancy more accurate test I had been saving (really, saving a fancy stick to pee on, lets be honest), and that one was positive too.  Over the course of the next 8 hours, I took 2 more cheap test, just to be sure.  I was so worried it was too good to be true! 

Hanging On When Your Heart Has Had Enough

Last Mother’s Day I was pregnant with Mira, she was smaller than I grain of salt and I didn’t know she was there yet, but she was.  Four days later, on May 18^th, I would take a pregnancy test, and then three more just to be sure, and be filled with joy and bliss with no idea that exactly 7 months later I would be meeting her, and she would be welcomed to Heaven the same day.  On the only Mother’s Day that I was a mother to a living child, I had no idea.  The irony is not lost on me.  Joe did have a suspicion though, when on the way to church I told him his breath was too minty and it was making me nauseous.  I was convinced he had bought some horrible new toothpaste.  He didn’t say anything though, wanting to save me from disappointment if he was wrong.  He had seen my disappointment for too many months in a row at this point.