May 5th: Unexpected Losses
The expected losses are obvious. You expect to lose your child and and every part of their childhood when your baby dies. I wrote a post (https://babyferraram.blogspot.com/2019/03/secondary-losses) about secondary losses a couple months ago that speaks directly to the unexpected losses. The loss that has been hitting me the hardest, over and over, as time goes on, is the loss of feeling connected to others. People forget things that are so important to my memories of Mira and its hurts so bad, because the memories, the signs and symbols, the dates, they are all I have. So when they are forgotten I feel on the outside again. When everyone around me is talking about raising their children, I feel so left out. When everyone is talking about day to day life and their problems and triumphs, I feel so far away because my life is so different. It feels as though I don't have a place to belong anymore. I don't belong with the women who have never had a child, and I don't belong with the mothers. I so often feel out of place and awkward, not know where my place is in the world anymore. This has been the biggest unexpected loss I have faced, and it tangles in with so many other losses.
May 6th: Unexpected Gains
My biggest unexpected gain ties directly into the feelings of being out of place that I just described. It is hard to talk about gain when thinking about losing Mira because no gain is worth having lost her. But I did gain a new perspective on life, a better understanding of suffering, a passion for helping those facing pregnancy and infant loss, and more. My biggest unexpected gain though, has been the friends and support I have found in the baby loss community. Though online support groups I have found a group of women who truly understand me, care of me, and support me, because they have been there too. Most of these I have only spoken to online and never met in person, but it doesn't matter. They find the right words to say when I need them. And they share their real, raw feelings to give me a chance to support them as well. I hope I have the right words when I am there for them. It is a strong, tight-knit community. It is a club no one wants to join, but I can tell you once you are in it, you are surrounded by some the of strongest love you will ever know.
I would like to catch up on the other prompts, but it has been a very long day. I decided to write tonight to calm my mind, and it seems to have helped some since I am now so sleepy I can't keep typing. I will get the prompts when I can, as I said early, rather than stressing myself out keeping up with the days this year, I will write as I am able.
But before I hit "post," I need to say, my sweet, sweet Mira, thank you for making me a Mom. I listened to a song from The Greatest Showman in the car today while getting groceries and I thought of you so much, most of those songs make me think of you. I cried as I heard the lyrics to "Never Enough" thinking about how, without you, nothing is ever enough, because you are always missing from my arms.
I'm trying to hold my breath
Let it stay this way
Can't let this moment end
You set off a dream in me
Getting louder now
Can you hear it echoing?
Take my hand
Will you share this with me?
'Cause darling without you
All the shine of a thousand spotlights
All the stars we steal from the night sky
Will never be enough
Never be enough
Towers of gold are still too little
These hands could hold the world but it'll
Never be enough
Never be enough
For me
(The Greatest Showman)
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